The cool points are out the window and I'm all twisted up in the game...

I had a lot on my mind this morning and started writing. I was hitting the key board pretty hard for a little while then stopped for a bit. Started back up. Stopped again. I finally took a break from writing to start some laundry, walk the dogs, and grab some food. It was my intention to publicly explain the choices I made with regard to the reasons I married. It actually was something that I very recently realized about myself. It was also a topic of conversation with Huck the other night which started the flooding thoughts. So, in short, I recently realized  each time I married I had an agenda. I had a motive. I married for reasons outside of love. When I reread what was written I thought, "who gives a fuck?" In two keystrokes I deleted what I wrote from the screen. Why the hec am I so focused on the ghosts of relationships past? Does it really matter anymore?

Once upon a time this incredible handsome guy popped in to my life quite unexpectedly. I honestly was beginning to prepare for life as the crazy dog lady in a small house near the ocean, you know, with four Golden Retrievers under foot. I already have two. Two more wouldn't be much more trouble. Anyway, at first I thought this dude was just going to be a great friend. We shared some life experiences in parallel universes and found we even like doing some of the same things like traveling and dining out. Then one night after a well deserved happy hour he kissed me. I admit, after getting to know him a bit more I wanted to be kissed by him pretty badly but holy shit, that kiss...that first kiss...that electrifying, heart stopping, toe curling zap was felt to the core of my existence. And every time since? I feel the same zing and tingle when he kisses me - yes, the butterflies line up in a Conga line.

Visiting those ghosts again helped me realize the adjustments I vowed to make before Huck and I began dating gave us a chance at a very happy future relationship. I can now appreciate the importance of how my past has no power over me any longer. I was living the definition of insanity with my past relationships - you know, doing the same things over and over yet expecting different results? After striking out three times and being kicked off the field I realized I was the one who needed to change if I wanted to be happy. So I set out to adjust my attitude and rewrite my list of expectations. I knew I needed to do things much differently than I had done in the past. The very first rewrite on my list?

DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING.

Yes. This is a very important key point of my self revelation. I used to have all these preconceived notions of what  a relationship was supposed to be (based on the Lady's training) and how a relationship was supposed to play out (again, based on the Lady's training). I still have some conventional expectations like mutual respect, kindness, and not taking each other for granted. Those are a given. I'm talking about all the other typical chick expectations. The things that would make a man like Huck cringe and run like Forrest. You know, anything that involves neutering. This is one thing I now reject from the Lady's teaching. No, no, no...men are to be men. Lions. King of the jungle and everywhere the light touches.

I think giving up those typical chick expectations is what opened my heart and allowed my spirit to be available for experiencing true love. Letting go of relationship wrecking expectations has allowed me to finally understand what love is and what love means. Love is about how we can make each other better. It isn't about how we can benefit from the things we each bring to the table. All I want is to love Huck and have his love in return. Its that simple.

'Tis the Season

For the first time in my working life I am able to take a large block of time off for vacation. In the next two weeks I will be waking up when I feel like it and going to bed when I can't fight off the sandman any longer. So far it's been going pretty well. Unfortunately, I forgot to shut off my alarm so I was up at 7:45am today. No matter. I spent a very leisure morning watching Hallmark movies and drinking coffee in my now favorite "Litt Up" mug. Around ten I got a wild hair up my butt and decided to finish my errands that could wait until next weekend. Really, just a trip to Target and the dollar store for non-essential essentials if that makes sense.

This time of year it seems the general public as a whole is incredibly rude and terribly impatient. Not much more than normal down here in South Florida though. We have such a high concentration of assholes year round but the jackassness of everyone just becomes exponential around Christmas time. An overly commercialized holiday creates a desperation in people to spend money on gifts that most recipients don't need or want. This feeling of obligation in turn leads to stressed out and frazzled folk that really just need to step back and reevaluate why they are being rude and inconsiderate for no good reason. You probably shouldn't have procrastinated bub so unwad your panties please. I have no pity for your poor planning so don't take it out on me. I find people in general don't put any thought into gift selection and the spirit of giving. There is no creativity. There is no feeling behind the purpose of the gift. No meaning in some cases. I love searching for the perfect gift. Shopping for someone is delightful and brings me joy. Occasionally I'm lucky and find the right item right away and sometimes it's weeks of searching  and wracking my brain for ideas until I find what I feel is an appropriate and heartfelt gift.

Sometimes my gift is handmade or customized in some crafty way. Hand made gifts come in many forms. Sometimes it's an actual craft. Sometimes it's a crafty customization. Not all of my projects turn out well. This year I attempted to decorate an unfinished picture frame for it to only look like something a four year old created. Huck was a gem and said it looked good but there is no way in hell I am giving that as a gift to anyone! I kept it for myself as a reminder that I am not the craftiest bitch in the world sometimes. I probably needed to wait to sober up some from the Bloody Mary drink-a-thon I participated in before I started the project. Doesn't alcohol reduce our ability to make good decisions?  

All that aside, I have to tell you, my Huck is THE BEST gift giver in the history of ever. Yes, I'm gloating again about how incredible my man is and how wonderfully he treats me so suck it. I really don't know how he manages to do it but each and every gift I've received from him is not only thoughtful but unique. His gifts solidify a shared sentiment or signify a moment in our new life together that is frankly making me a little misty eyed now because I miss him. We were just starting to pick up momentum around this time last year so our gift giving was simple. Now we know each other which means the pressure is on so to speak. So yeah, I'm a little nervous. I have no doubt he's done well with his choices for me since he always has (his packages for me take up half the space under the tree-man lost his mind). Is it possible to be excited and a little freaked out at the same time? I'm counting the days till our Christmas and it 's not about the gifts. It's about creating more happy memories with the only man I choose to love...truly, madly, deeply...for the rest of my life.

Time for some ice cream!

Then I ran out, didn't grab no shoes or nothing...

I hurt today. A lot.

After waiting a few weeks I finally made it to a Rheumatologist. I have to tell you, I love using Google Maps for GPS while I am driving. I generally know where I am going but sometimes - ok, most times - I'm a bit off with time/distance. So I use the GPS to help me determine how much further I need to go. You see, it seems the places I want to get to are much further than I have displayed in my brain. This time/distance block drives a certain passenger a bit nutso especially when we have places to be. Yes, everywhere I want to go is right down the road and about 15 minutes drive away. Not really.

Anywho, the doctor and I talked about how I was feeling and how long I've felt pain. We discussed rheumatoid and its progressive effects. A detailed conversation about family medical history was covered. Then the physical exam was done. Now, this little bit of a woman pressed areas on my body that made me cry out in distress. I sounded like a feeble, weak female each time she pressed on me. For crying out loud. I live everyday in some form of pain and I manage it in a way that it doesn't phase me for the most part. I have a high threshold I guess. If I am feeling a 5 or 6 on the scale it's likely an average person's 9 or 10.  If I can be in pain all the time how is it this little woman can bring me to near tears simply by putting slight pressure on various points? I suddenly felt betrayed by my body.

After the physical exam the doctor asked me if I ever heard of fibromyalgia. Well, yeah I have actually. She proceeded to explain why she felt my pain was caused by fibromyalgia versus rheumatoid arthritis. The pain I felt was in soft tissue indicating a nerve problem rather than pain in the joint itself. The most strange sensation of pain comes from a numbness that causes tingling. The tingling feels like my skin is crawling literally. It's almost a vibration. This sensation also makes me feel like I itch. From what I understand fibromyalgia is a common diagnosis for people that have unexplained pain. Ok, so blood tests were ordered to rule out the possibility of rheumatoid and other diseases that look like rheumatoid.

And while I wait for answers, I hurt. Today is a bad day. Today the weather turned cold. The cold is fucking with me in a mean way. I am stiff, achy, and sore. I love winters here in Florida. The skies are clear and blue. The air is crisp and fresh. But today I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. Whatever it is that is making me hurt, it sucks. There is nothing I can do short of manage the pain. I honestly couldn't tell you how long I've hurt this way but recent events have brought it to the forefront. I refuse to let it rule my life whatever it is. I will continue to do all I do and then some. Now, I'mma get me a cold pop.