Not the easiest choice I've made...

We are presented with and make choices everyday. Some are considered to be of the mundane variety while others are loaded with multiple facets and levels of difficulty. Deciding whether I will sleep 15 minutes longer or spend that time on my appearance is a daily choice. Going back to school to earn my master's degree was a larger choice that involved commitment and sacrifice. As I've gotten older the heavier choices take more time and preparation. So much time has been spent mulling over the "what if's" that I am left wondering, "what if I don't?" The most recent choice I made was gut wrenching and heartbreaking but so far seems to be a good one. 

This choice will come as a surprise to many of you and some of you will likely understand. It is not something I shared or broadcast with many. It was personal and required copious amounts of insight and introspect. No, no. I didn't get a boob job or decide I want to be a "Marco" instead of Margaret. I realized after ten solid years of marriage (13 years together total) that I deserved more. I didn't want to be taken for granted anymore. I didn't want to feel unloved and under appreciated. I didn't want to be his caregiver and personal assistant another day.I didn't want to fell like a second thought or cast off.  I didn't want to feel alone anymore. I figured, and thanks Lulu for defining it, if I was going to be alone I may as well be by myself. 

So I left. 

You read right. I left my husband. 

Listen, hubby is a good man. He's a great friend. He's always been an anchor of sorts, keeping me harnessed and feeling secure in this scary thing we call life. This is not about bashing the husband. This is about my realizing I had a very difficult choice to make. One that involved hurting a very good man and great friend. A choice that would affect three people. Hubby, my son, and myself. 

There is nothing to philosophize over. I wasn't happy so I left. I found a nice place in the city that gave me just enough room to live comfortably with my son and two dogs, that is close to work, and won't bust my wallet. I hope. It's been so long since I've been on my own. I have no idea how to budget an entire household without the help of a second income. I'm a big girl though. I'll figure it out. 

Hubby vacillated between emotions the first week after I left. He was weepy one minute and pissed off the next. I kind of expected that. Honestly though? I was a having a little trouble coming to terms with what I had done. I even doubted the choice I made on occasion. But then he seemed to be coming to terms with our separation pretty quickly so I stopped doubting. Funny thing occurred to me yesterday. I am still the one carrying the relationship with my husband even in separation. We do not speak unless I call him. And I had been calling him everyday. I guess old habits die hard.

So that's it gang. I'm on my own again. Now what?