Last night was my first time in years doing yoga. It was warm yin yoga. There were only five people in the studio total including the instructor. I was the last to arrive because the fancy little boy that checked me in and took my Groupon failed to give me instructions that the yoga studio was next door to the fitness center. I was all harried running in and trying to unroll my brand spanking new yoga mat and arrange myself on the floor without calling attention. Too late. It was kind of like running into class after your professor has started the lecture and dropping all your books on the way to the closest seat you can find which happens to be in the middle of the class. Anyway, I try to listen to the instructor but she has music on so can't hear anything but the Charlie Brown teacher voice. This means I have to take the cue from the lady in front of me on what to do next and I think she was a beginner.
Remember it's been about 20 years since I've attended a yoga class. And even then it was at the Y so not even really sure it was yoga. The first thing I was to learn was belly breathing. At least that's what I think she called it. I also heard something about ocean breaths or echo something. Whatever...breath in through your nose really deep and exhale through your mouth. It may have been the reverse but breathing either way was good. This deep breathing is supposed to help us relax and open up our channels. We started off laying on our backs and breathing and relaxing so we can move on to stretches. As I am trying to focus on the breathing my brain kept interrupting. I swear it would not shut up! I am thinking.."breath in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Make the belly rise and lower. Feel the diaphragm working. Your left ankle isn't relaxed. Back hurts a little lying on the floor like this. Let your shoulder relax. Is my shirt pulled over my belly? Right leg just stiffened up a little. Breath dammit. I need to take out the pony tail, it's making my neck tweak laying here on the floor. Stop crinkling your brow. What the hell are you doing? Smells like patchouli in here. Belly rise. At least it doesn't smell like feet. Belly fall. I don't get the echo-ocean thing. How much longer do I have to lay like this? I'm not comfortable. Stop picking your thumb nail. Maybe it's the kinda hissing sound you make when you exhale that deep. Oh wait. I think I am supposed to be breathing in through the mouth and exhaling through the nose. Nope. That's not it. Now I have a loose booger. Flapping...."
Finally we move into holding the stretches. We are sitting up with legs apart and I am stretching over my right knee. My brain is still chattering away..."Breath in. Breath out. Relax the knee. Ouch this hurts. Breath. Ouch. Let the thigh relax now. No. Don't point your toe. This isn't ballet. I thought it was supposed to be warm in here. I hope I don't fart. Oh my gosh...it feels like I need to fart. Clench up. That was a great line in the Avengers movie. How much longer do I have to do this? It's really pulling the ligaments inner thigh. I think that's the point. Ok. Oh. Finally. We get to move..." After an hour and 15 minutes of stretching and breathing and thinking about everything under the sun I wasn't very relaxed. I did feel longer. Does that count?
Two things I learned from one yoga lesson: Do not wear a wire bra. Wear a longer shirt.
Guess who is going shopping again?! I am scheduled for another yoga class on Saturday morning.
Namaste.
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