The therapy is...

Some days I want to hide under the covers. Other days I'm in combat stance ready to strike. The days in between are a joining of both extremes because I have discovered ways to self soothe. Today was a day I needed to reach into my bag of tricks. My day started out relatively smooth and only required two hits on the snooze rather than three. I was having a good hair day. I actually managed to spend some time on my appearance. I chose an outfit that was complimented. I wasn't late for work. I was feeling magnificent, well, because I am. It was a cheerful day until...

I know I have a foul mouth. I've never attempted to lead anyone I work with to believe I am a quiet little church mouse. That thing most people have in their brain that tells them not to say something offensive? I think its called a censor. Yeah, I don't have one of those. I've worked with this group for three years and no one has told me I am too vulgar. Honestly, I'm quite mild compared to some people I hang with but let me tell you how mortified I am to be told to watch my mouth...by my manager. When I was told someone complained via email that I used a bad word and offended someone's ear I was stupefied. I was so mortified it led me to apologize to everyone around me. I honestly didn't, and still don't, recall any conversation I had with anyone that resulted in me using profanity. And c'mon...who hasn't peppered their conversation with colorful metaphors? On a serious note though, I thought I was a 43 year old woman. Why on earth is a grown ass adult complaining to a manager instead of telling me to watch my mouth? The office I work in is Kindergarten on steroids. Ummmmm, I'mmmmm telllllinggggg! WTF?

You there, you big titty baby (I love that one) that can't speak up for yourself like an adult, bite me!

Now what was in my bag of tricks? My bag of tricks contained a bottle of wine, ricotta cheese, sauce, veggies, Italian sausage, and lasagna. Today my method of self soothing was an orchestra of single ingredients that once put together made the most delicious lasagna I ever made. Buttloads of the most delicious lasagna I ever made. Oh my effing goodness I had so much stuff to assemble this lasagna that I made one large dish (which I baked tonight) and two smaller dishes to freeze. Cooking is valuable therapy. It helps me calm down and move past whatever transgressions I experience. After what happened today I needed to cook.

I know it doesn't seem like getting in trouble at work for using a bad word is a big deal to some of you. Y'all need to realize that I'm not the type to purposely offend anyone for any reason. I always try to consider the folks I work with and spend time with. I know I can't make everyone happy - obviously there is one person out there that is gunning for me for some unknown reason, but I am considerate to say the least. To everyone. Even the assholes I know who detest me for my sunny disposition and kindness. I like to think that keeping my side of the fence clean means something to even the jerks that dislike me. Mainly that I have integrity. I need to suck it up and move past this now. Maybe I needed to up the therapy and throw in some baking.

One thing I learned today, haters gonna hate no matter how good a person I am.

The final count down...and extreme comfort.

One last term to go and I am done with school for a while. Thank goodness it's just a certificate program. I don't have it in me to do much more than that now especially with the holidays approaching. I have plans to pick up my studies again in the future to earn a doctoral degree but I am not sure which discipline to choose. So, I'll take some time off. Do some research. Put some feelers out. Or not. I like to gamble about some things and I'm usually pretty lucky. Where the hec did that come from? I have no idea why I started with this topic. Nothing like a little random firing of the brain synapses.

There was a "As Seen on TV" product that was all the rage about 5 years ago. Ladies, you may have heard of this stylish product. Yes! I'm talking about pajama jeans! When I heard about these jeans I wanted to get my hands on a pair. I found out they were sold at Walgreens and proceeded to search each store in a 10 mile radius. Finally found a pair after I opened up the search grid to 20 miles. I know, its a bit obsessive. I was ecstatic to find a pair in badonkadonk size and made my purchase. Couldn't wait to try on my new comfy jeans I could live in and sleep in. I got home and said hasty hello's and ran up stairs to put these jeans on. And they were gloriously comfy! No binding or pinching. No digging or bunching. And they were just long enough in the stride there was no worry of camel toe and not so long I had to pull the waist band up to my boobs. The pant legs were a perfect length too. So after a couple wears I had to wash them. Would you believe these fantastic comfy pajama jeans shrank? The piece of crap pants kept their shape in all areas but leg length. They became high waters of the Urkel kind. Which sucked. I tossed them.

I was doing a mild bit of retail therapy last night and went to my usual "mall." I toured Home Goods, Marshall's, Old Navy, Bath and Body Works, then TJ Maxx. I was pretty defeated by the time I got to TJ's. I found nothing I couldn't live without. I did pick up some items at Bath and Body but it was stuff that I normally buy so no feel good rush of something new. Well, I walked through the purse section of TJ's first. Found a great bag but I wasn't spending $199 on  a dang bag. Shoe selection was disappointing. I didn't see anything in the home section I wanted. I decided to peek at the clothing department before heading out. Nope. No blouses. No sweaters. No t-shirts. No jeans...wait. What is this? Holy crap! Designer pajama jeans! Yeah, I bought 'em. I'm not wearing them now of course. They are definitely more jean than pajama but bet they are effing comfortable. Darn things better not shrink!

There's alone and there's alone...

Sometimes its a feeling and sometimes its physical. In my current physical state I live alone. Well, without another person. I live with two big lovable puppy dogs. But no, no other humans. Until three months ago I always lived with someone. Parent, son, brother, husband/s...yeah there's been more than one of those. I'm adjusting to being alone. I don't always like it of course but I'm adjusting.  In the beginning I was freaked out by every noise. I thought maybe someone was trying to get in. Then I realized the dogs would alert me to an unannounced visitor. No, not by barking. They'd likely get all frisky and excited we had company and , oh, look! It's a new person! Some nights I'd have trouble falling asleep because the noises were eerie. I began to wonder if I had ghosts. I again realized the girls would alert me to that too. In my opinion, I think dogs sense other worldly beings.  The girls would greet the entity with the same friendly enthusiasm as an "in the flesh" human being.

Then there are days when I like to wallow in being alone. It's not every day or most days but one day, a half a day, or even a few hours of a day...once in a while I like to be alone. This gives me the opportunity to be a slob and act like a caveman and not ponder on the fact someone may witness this unfeminine activity. I got that alone time when I lived with a person. I get a lot more of that now that I am alone. Still doesn't mean I have to like it or accept it.

There is also the feeling of alone. Feeling alone is something wholly different. Feeling alone is what I struggle with. That feeling of alone brings loneliness. Sure the dogs provide joy and some company but it's not the same as human interaction and presence. At first I was very extremely lonely not having another human being in my home. I'd pace and wander around looking for that missing something. I had no idea what I was looking for, I was just searching. I experience those moments less and less...but I still get lonely. And I still wander around my empty house on occasion looking in to empty rooms and empty spaces. It's akin to the empty fridge syndrome. You know, you open the door to see what's to eat and don't see anything you like. You close the door and walk away. A few minutes later what do you do? You go back to the fridge and look inside. Nope. Nothing new has materialized. Yeah, that's me in my empty space.

 Occasionally I am blessed (graced ha ha ) with company. I enjoy each nanosecond of that time and when it ends I'm desperate for more. This is when I feel alone the most and it really sucks. Yup, sucks balls. This is really the only time I feel lonely lately. I get this sampling of company and it's marvelous. When it's time to get back to our respective lives the loneliness kicks in and is felt in stages. I spend the first day or two trying to ignore feeling alone with no success. After unsuccessfully ignoring it I realize I can't fight it anymore and just let it come over me. Another day or two go by and I realize, woohoo! It's almost time for a visit and I get all girly giddy. Of course while I work through these stages I miss him the whole time...miss him crazy, mad.