Sometimes its a feeling and sometimes its physical. In my current physical state I live alone. Well, without another person. I live with two big lovable puppy dogs. But no, no other humans. Until three months ago I always lived with someone. Parent, son, brother, husband/s...yeah there's been more than one of those. I'm adjusting to being alone. I don't always like it of course but I'm adjusting. In the beginning I was freaked out by every noise. I thought maybe someone was trying to get in. Then I realized the dogs would alert me to an unannounced visitor. No, not by barking. They'd likely get all frisky and excited we had company and , oh, look! It's a new person! Some nights I'd have trouble falling asleep because the noises were eerie. I began to wonder if I had ghosts. I again realized the girls would alert me to that too. In my opinion, I think dogs sense other worldly beings. The girls would greet the entity with the same friendly enthusiasm as an "in the flesh" human being.
Then there are days when I like to wallow in being alone. It's not every day or most days but one day, a half a day, or even a few hours of a day...once in a while I like to be alone. This gives me the opportunity to be a slob and act like a caveman and not ponder on the fact someone may witness this unfeminine activity. I got that alone time when I lived with a person. I get a lot more of that now that I am alone. Still doesn't mean I have to like it or accept it.
There is also the feeling of alone. Feeling alone is something wholly different. Feeling alone is what I struggle with. That feeling of alone brings loneliness. Sure the dogs provide joy and some company but it's not the same as human interaction and presence. At first I was very extremely lonely not having another human being in my home. I'd pace and wander around looking for that missing something. I had no idea what I was looking for, I was just searching. I experience those moments less and less...but I still get lonely. And I still wander around my empty house on occasion looking in to empty rooms and empty spaces. It's akin to the empty fridge syndrome. You know, you open the door to see what's to eat and don't see anything you like. You close the door and walk away. A few minutes later what do you do? You go back to the fridge and look inside. Nope. Nothing new has materialized. Yeah, that's me in my empty space.
Occasionally I am blessed (graced ha ha ) with company. I enjoy each nanosecond of that time and when it ends I'm desperate for more. This is when I feel alone the most and it really sucks. Yup, sucks balls. This is really the only time I feel lonely lately. I get this sampling of company and it's marvelous. When it's time to get back to our respective lives the loneliness kicks in and is felt in stages. I spend the first day or two trying to ignore feeling alone with no success. After unsuccessfully ignoring it I realize I can't fight it anymore and just let it come over me. Another day or two go by and I realize, woohoo! It's almost time for a visit and I get all girly giddy. Of course while I work through these stages I miss him the whole time...miss him crazy, mad.
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