It doesn't need to always be louder

I don't hear very well. I have trouble hearing at certain decibels. Sometimes a person's speak sounds like a mouth full of marbles to my ears. If you want to speak to me in the morning, especially soon after I've woken up, be prepared to repeat yourself at least three times. At the very least. The worst thing someone can do to me is get impatient or mad because no matter how hard I try I can't make out what was said. Occasionally my brain understands another's words so completely different and so far off what was intended that it's humorous. In my attempt to make certain I heard what another person says to me I repeat what was said. This acknowledges I understood and provides confirmation to whom I speak that I did actually hear. Yes, I realize this makes me kind of a parrot. A lot of the times if I don't hear you by the time you've repeated yourself three times I just give up and pretend I heard what you said. So don't be offended if I laugh and I wasn't supposed to. Or if I don't laugh and I was supposed to. Chances are I heard nothing. Accents are terrible. I can understand most but if your name is Rajesh or Drashti and you speak in that fabulous and beautiful Indian lilt - forget it. You better write it down on a post-it.

Another reason why I feel I don't hear well is because of all the noise in my brain. My thoughts are swirling and bouncing and rolling around without strategy or reason. There is no pattern to my thoughts because I can start thinking about one important item and it leads in the direction of something completely different. I joke I have ADD and while it may be true - I do exhibit many of the items on the diagnosis list - I try in vain to control my incessant need to just let my thoughts run wild. It's bad enough I cannot physically hear you but most times my brain wanders off and I'm caught up trying to remember what I'm supposed to pick up at Publix instead of listening to what you are saying. If I stop parroting you its a good indication I shut off the ears. I think Huck is the only one in my life that has learned to make me repeat what he said to make sure I was actually listening and heard the words and meaning.

So yeah, about this noise in my brain. See? I already derailed. I've got so much noise in my brain right now that I've tried a little psychotropic remedy to shut the flow of shit off. I don't think I'm doing it right or maybe it's not the right remedy. I spent the day wanting to cry for no reason other than I thought if I did I'd feel relief. Lulu called it a purge. Needless to say I have been moody and weepy the past couple weeks and I don't think anyone understands what is happening. Of course I don't let anyone in so its entirely my fault no one is wise to my crazy brain moments. I try to blame it on the "change" but I think it's so much more than that. I'm sure it doesn't help to have all those effing hormones racing around but I feel it's only a small part of what's happening. Besides, whining about my feelings is just so freaking female. Why do I want to whine and cry and tell everyone my feelings? I don't want to be pitied or anyone to feel sorry for me, or feel obligated to make me feel better in some way. I'm a strong, independent woman and crying is for girls.

So my son isn't speaking to me or anyone in the family still - since a few days before Mother's Day (which I'm still pretty hurt about). At least I know he's alive and hasn't completely oust me from his life. I see him on Facebook randomly through the day. The lady wasn't very nice to me over the weekend. She told me if the punk wasn't coming with me to my nephew's graduation to not bother coming at all and my nephew wouldn't notice I wasn't there anyway. What the fuck?! Mean! At least Bubba and my sister-in-law care about me. Bubba said he wanted me to come regardless which made me feel better. Daddy would have been 73 years old yesterday. Any time I think of Daddy, which is every day, I wish he were here to just hug me and tell me everything will be ok and tuck my hair behind my ear like he used to when he was comforting me.

I have so many great things happening in my life also. Anything related to Huck is amazing. He's the most caring, darling, loving man. He takes wonderful care of me in all ways. And even though he says he has no patience for anything he has mountains of patience when it comes to me. And I know I am a very trying woman. So with the bad there is so much good too. And so much love. So very much.  Love is all that matter's in the end.

I forget to not expect...

The past year has been met with a great deal of the lowest lows. There are not many in my life that know what I've been through since last summer with regard to those lows. The concern, sadness, fear, and heartache has been trying. Exhausting. My hair is falling out. What's left is turning gray. I've put stress weight on. I am emotional and scatter brained. My health is being effected and my mental well being is in jeopardy. I spend a good deal of my alone time wanting to curl up in the fetal position to just cry. That can't be healthy. I internalize my pain. I don't speak openly about the things that bother me only because I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't want anyone to know I am troubled in any way. I wear a smile and laugh to mask, well, every dark and brooding thought that rolls around in my brain. Who wants to hear me whine about the things I feel? That is just too much to ask someone, even those who are my greatest champions.

I spent the entire day alone and feeling quite pitiful having boxed mac n'cheese for my Mother's Day meal because I just don't have it in me to get out for something better or all by myself. I tried speaking to the lady about it but she told me to suck it up-she's alone today too. Of course, she got cards and phone calls from her children. I got diddly squat. Nothing to say "I appreciate you, Mom." Nothing that told me I am loved. Nada. Zilch. While every day is mother's day to all us moms in the world the least our can do is reach out and say hello on the one day of the year designated to us. I received a very loud and clear "fuck off" in the form of silence today. Even with everything going to shit this past year it dawns on me, this is all just expectation. I am expecting someone to act a certain way. I know better than that.

I've come to realize that expectation in any relationship is just a set up. A set up for some great disappointments. It's not just in romantic love relationships but also with regard to family and friends. Not only did I expect my son to act a certain way today I also expected the lady to act a certain way as well. With all the difficulties I've had I have also been blessed with some very wonderful and amazing highest highs. The highs are what I must focus on. The highs are what keeps me going and moving forward. The highs helped me understand that no matter how dark it gets there is always light. Today is just another day. Another day I can embrace my blessings and love with all I have.

The highs must be my beacon out of the darkness today.