It doesn't need to always be louder

I don't hear very well. I have trouble hearing at certain decibels. Sometimes a person's speak sounds like a mouth full of marbles to my ears. If you want to speak to me in the morning, especially soon after I've woken up, be prepared to repeat yourself at least three times. At the very least. The worst thing someone can do to me is get impatient or mad because no matter how hard I try I can't make out what was said. Occasionally my brain understands another's words so completely different and so far off what was intended that it's humorous. In my attempt to make certain I heard what another person says to me I repeat what was said. This acknowledges I understood and provides confirmation to whom I speak that I did actually hear. Yes, I realize this makes me kind of a parrot. A lot of the times if I don't hear you by the time you've repeated yourself three times I just give up and pretend I heard what you said. So don't be offended if I laugh and I wasn't supposed to. Or if I don't laugh and I was supposed to. Chances are I heard nothing. Accents are terrible. I can understand most but if your name is Rajesh or Drashti and you speak in that fabulous and beautiful Indian lilt - forget it. You better write it down on a post-it.

Another reason why I feel I don't hear well is because of all the noise in my brain. My thoughts are swirling and bouncing and rolling around without strategy or reason. There is no pattern to my thoughts because I can start thinking about one important item and it leads in the direction of something completely different. I joke I have ADD and while it may be true - I do exhibit many of the items on the diagnosis list - I try in vain to control my incessant need to just let my thoughts run wild. It's bad enough I cannot physically hear you but most times my brain wanders off and I'm caught up trying to remember what I'm supposed to pick up at Publix instead of listening to what you are saying. If I stop parroting you its a good indication I shut off the ears. I think Huck is the only one in my life that has learned to make me repeat what he said to make sure I was actually listening and heard the words and meaning.

So yeah, about this noise in my brain. See? I already derailed. I've got so much noise in my brain right now that I've tried a little psychotropic remedy to shut the flow of shit off. I don't think I'm doing it right or maybe it's not the right remedy. I spent the day wanting to cry for no reason other than I thought if I did I'd feel relief. Lulu called it a purge. Needless to say I have been moody and weepy the past couple weeks and I don't think anyone understands what is happening. Of course I don't let anyone in so its entirely my fault no one is wise to my crazy brain moments. I try to blame it on the "change" but I think it's so much more than that. I'm sure it doesn't help to have all those effing hormones racing around but I feel it's only a small part of what's happening. Besides, whining about my feelings is just so freaking female. Why do I want to whine and cry and tell everyone my feelings? I don't want to be pitied or anyone to feel sorry for me, or feel obligated to make me feel better in some way. I'm a strong, independent woman and crying is for girls.

So my son isn't speaking to me or anyone in the family still - since a few days before Mother's Day (which I'm still pretty hurt about). At least I know he's alive and hasn't completely oust me from his life. I see him on Facebook randomly through the day. The lady wasn't very nice to me over the weekend. She told me if the punk wasn't coming with me to my nephew's graduation to not bother coming at all and my nephew wouldn't notice I wasn't there anyway. What the fuck?! Mean! At least Bubba and my sister-in-law care about me. Bubba said he wanted me to come regardless which made me feel better. Daddy would have been 73 years old yesterday. Any time I think of Daddy, which is every day, I wish he were here to just hug me and tell me everything will be ok and tuck my hair behind my ear like he used to when he was comforting me.

I have so many great things happening in my life also. Anything related to Huck is amazing. He's the most caring, darling, loving man. He takes wonderful care of me in all ways. And even though he says he has no patience for anything he has mountains of patience when it comes to me. And I know I am a very trying woman. So with the bad there is so much good too. And so much love. So very much.  Love is all that matter's in the end.