I forget to not expect...

The past year has been met with a great deal of the lowest lows. There are not many in my life that know what I've been through since last summer with regard to those lows. The concern, sadness, fear, and heartache has been trying. Exhausting. My hair is falling out. What's left is turning gray. I've put stress weight on. I am emotional and scatter brained. My health is being effected and my mental well being is in jeopardy. I spend a good deal of my alone time wanting to curl up in the fetal position to just cry. That can't be healthy. I internalize my pain. I don't speak openly about the things that bother me only because I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't want anyone to know I am troubled in any way. I wear a smile and laugh to mask, well, every dark and brooding thought that rolls around in my brain. Who wants to hear me whine about the things I feel? That is just too much to ask someone, even those who are my greatest champions.

I spent the entire day alone and feeling quite pitiful having boxed mac n'cheese for my Mother's Day meal because I just don't have it in me to get out for something better or all by myself. I tried speaking to the lady about it but she told me to suck it up-she's alone today too. Of course, she got cards and phone calls from her children. I got diddly squat. Nothing to say "I appreciate you, Mom." Nothing that told me I am loved. Nada. Zilch. While every day is mother's day to all us moms in the world the least our can do is reach out and say hello on the one day of the year designated to us. I received a very loud and clear "fuck off" in the form of silence today. Even with everything going to shit this past year it dawns on me, this is all just expectation. I am expecting someone to act a certain way. I know better than that.

I've come to realize that expectation in any relationship is just a set up. A set up for some great disappointments. It's not just in romantic love relationships but also with regard to family and friends. Not only did I expect my son to act a certain way today I also expected the lady to act a certain way as well. With all the difficulties I've had I have also been blessed with some very wonderful and amazing highest highs. The highs are what I must focus on. The highs are what keeps me going and moving forward. The highs helped me understand that no matter how dark it gets there is always light. Today is just another day. Another day I can embrace my blessings and love with all I have.

The highs must be my beacon out of the darkness today.