The cool points are out the window and I'm all twisted up in the game...

I had a lot on my mind this morning and started writing. I was hitting the key board pretty hard for a little while then stopped for a bit. Started back up. Stopped again. I finally took a break from writing to start some laundry, walk the dogs, and grab some food. It was my intention to publicly explain the choices I made with regard to the reasons I married. It actually was something that I very recently realized about myself. It was also a topic of conversation with Huck the other night which started the flooding thoughts. So, in short, I recently realized  each time I married I had an agenda. I had a motive. I married for reasons outside of love. When I reread what was written I thought, "who gives a fuck?" In two keystrokes I deleted what I wrote from the screen. Why the hec am I so focused on the ghosts of relationships past? Does it really matter anymore?

Once upon a time this incredible handsome guy popped in to my life quite unexpectedly. I honestly was beginning to prepare for life as the crazy dog lady in a small house near the ocean, you know, with four Golden Retrievers under foot. I already have two. Two more wouldn't be much more trouble. Anyway, at first I thought this dude was just going to be a great friend. We shared some life experiences in parallel universes and found we even like doing some of the same things like traveling and dining out. Then one night after a well deserved happy hour he kissed me. I admit, after getting to know him a bit more I wanted to be kissed by him pretty badly but holy shit, that kiss...that first kiss...that electrifying, heart stopping, toe curling zap was felt to the core of my existence. And every time since? I feel the same zing and tingle when he kisses me - yes, the butterflies line up in a Conga line.

Visiting those ghosts again helped me realize the adjustments I vowed to make before Huck and I began dating gave us a chance at a very happy future relationship. I can now appreciate the importance of how my past has no power over me any longer. I was living the definition of insanity with my past relationships - you know, doing the same things over and over yet expecting different results? After striking out three times and being kicked off the field I realized I was the one who needed to change if I wanted to be happy. So I set out to adjust my attitude and rewrite my list of expectations. I knew I needed to do things much differently than I had done in the past. The very first rewrite on my list?

DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING.

Yes. This is a very important key point of my self revelation. I used to have all these preconceived notions of what  a relationship was supposed to be (based on the Lady's training) and how a relationship was supposed to play out (again, based on the Lady's training). I still have some conventional expectations like mutual respect, kindness, and not taking each other for granted. Those are a given. I'm talking about all the other typical chick expectations. The things that would make a man like Huck cringe and run like Forrest. You know, anything that involves neutering. This is one thing I now reject from the Lady's teaching. No, no, no...men are to be men. Lions. King of the jungle and everywhere the light touches.

I think giving up those typical chick expectations is what opened my heart and allowed my spirit to be available for experiencing true love. Letting go of relationship wrecking expectations has allowed me to finally understand what love is and what love means. Love is about how we can make each other better. It isn't about how we can benefit from the things we each bring to the table. All I want is to love Huck and have his love in return. Its that simple.

'Tis the Season

For the first time in my working life I am able to take a large block of time off for vacation. In the next two weeks I will be waking up when I feel like it and going to bed when I can't fight off the sandman any longer. So far it's been going pretty well. Unfortunately, I forgot to shut off my alarm so I was up at 7:45am today. No matter. I spent a very leisure morning watching Hallmark movies and drinking coffee in my now favorite "Litt Up" mug. Around ten I got a wild hair up my butt and decided to finish my errands that could wait until next weekend. Really, just a trip to Target and the dollar store for non-essential essentials if that makes sense.

This time of year it seems the general public as a whole is incredibly rude and terribly impatient. Not much more than normal down here in South Florida though. We have such a high concentration of assholes year round but the jackassness of everyone just becomes exponential around Christmas time. An overly commercialized holiday creates a desperation in people to spend money on gifts that most recipients don't need or want. This feeling of obligation in turn leads to stressed out and frazzled folk that really just need to step back and reevaluate why they are being rude and inconsiderate for no good reason. You probably shouldn't have procrastinated bub so unwad your panties please. I have no pity for your poor planning so don't take it out on me. I find people in general don't put any thought into gift selection and the spirit of giving. There is no creativity. There is no feeling behind the purpose of the gift. No meaning in some cases. I love searching for the perfect gift. Shopping for someone is delightful and brings me joy. Occasionally I'm lucky and find the right item right away and sometimes it's weeks of searching  and wracking my brain for ideas until I find what I feel is an appropriate and heartfelt gift.

Sometimes my gift is handmade or customized in some crafty way. Hand made gifts come in many forms. Sometimes it's an actual craft. Sometimes it's a crafty customization. Not all of my projects turn out well. This year I attempted to decorate an unfinished picture frame for it to only look like something a four year old created. Huck was a gem and said it looked good but there is no way in hell I am giving that as a gift to anyone! I kept it for myself as a reminder that I am not the craftiest bitch in the world sometimes. I probably needed to wait to sober up some from the Bloody Mary drink-a-thon I participated in before I started the project. Doesn't alcohol reduce our ability to make good decisions?  

All that aside, I have to tell you, my Huck is THE BEST gift giver in the history of ever. Yes, I'm gloating again about how incredible my man is and how wonderfully he treats me so suck it. I really don't know how he manages to do it but each and every gift I've received from him is not only thoughtful but unique. His gifts solidify a shared sentiment or signify a moment in our new life together that is frankly making me a little misty eyed now because I miss him. We were just starting to pick up momentum around this time last year so our gift giving was simple. Now we know each other which means the pressure is on so to speak. So yeah, I'm a little nervous. I have no doubt he's done well with his choices for me since he always has (his packages for me take up half the space under the tree-man lost his mind). Is it possible to be excited and a little freaked out at the same time? I'm counting the days till our Christmas and it 's not about the gifts. It's about creating more happy memories with the only man I choose to love...truly, madly, deeply...for the rest of my life.

Time for some ice cream!

Then I ran out, didn't grab no shoes or nothing...

I hurt today. A lot.

After waiting a few weeks I finally made it to a Rheumatologist. I have to tell you, I love using Google Maps for GPS while I am driving. I generally know where I am going but sometimes - ok, most times - I'm a bit off with time/distance. So I use the GPS to help me determine how much further I need to go. You see, it seems the places I want to get to are much further than I have displayed in my brain. This time/distance block drives a certain passenger a bit nutso especially when we have places to be. Yes, everywhere I want to go is right down the road and about 15 minutes drive away. Not really.

Anywho, the doctor and I talked about how I was feeling and how long I've felt pain. We discussed rheumatoid and its progressive effects. A detailed conversation about family medical history was covered. Then the physical exam was done. Now, this little bit of a woman pressed areas on my body that made me cry out in distress. I sounded like a feeble, weak female each time she pressed on me. For crying out loud. I live everyday in some form of pain and I manage it in a way that it doesn't phase me for the most part. I have a high threshold I guess. If I am feeling a 5 or 6 on the scale it's likely an average person's 9 or 10.  If I can be in pain all the time how is it this little woman can bring me to near tears simply by putting slight pressure on various points? I suddenly felt betrayed by my body.

After the physical exam the doctor asked me if I ever heard of fibromyalgia. Well, yeah I have actually. She proceeded to explain why she felt my pain was caused by fibromyalgia versus rheumatoid arthritis. The pain I felt was in soft tissue indicating a nerve problem rather than pain in the joint itself. The most strange sensation of pain comes from a numbness that causes tingling. The tingling feels like my skin is crawling literally. It's almost a vibration. This sensation also makes me feel like I itch. From what I understand fibromyalgia is a common diagnosis for people that have unexplained pain. Ok, so blood tests were ordered to rule out the possibility of rheumatoid and other diseases that look like rheumatoid.

And while I wait for answers, I hurt. Today is a bad day. Today the weather turned cold. The cold is fucking with me in a mean way. I am stiff, achy, and sore. I love winters here in Florida. The skies are clear and blue. The air is crisp and fresh. But today I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. Whatever it is that is making me hurt, it sucks. There is nothing I can do short of manage the pain. I honestly couldn't tell you how long I've hurt this way but recent events have brought it to the forefront. I refuse to let it rule my life whatever it is. I will continue to do all I do and then some. Now, I'mma get me a cold pop.

Wait. What? You've got to be kidding.

Slowly over the past month or so I've been becoming more and more fatigued. Ok, maybe a bit longer but who's keeping track? I don't have time for that shit. As is normal for me I just push past it and keep going. With the fatigue came some aches and pains. I never put too much though in to it so just put it out of my head. I'm too busy to worry about me. I've got too much going on to let a little ache and tiredness hold me down. Nah. Suck it up buttercup! You can rest tomorrow! Of course we know what happens. Tomorrow arrives and I've not paid attention to my aches and pains. I just pop some Aleeve and drink more coffee. 

Coincidentally, I had found a tick on one of the goobers a few weeks ago. It may have been longer I don't know. I don't have time to keep track of that shit. I found it and flushed it. It wasn't attached so I passed it off as a nuisance. So now a few days ago a very small insignificant rash popped up on my back. It never itched. It never bothered me. I found it while bathing. I was immediately skeeved out because it felt like ringworm and omg I'm such a clean freak where the eff did I pick this up? I had some cream left over from a rash I developed a few years ago on my arm that also was unexplained. I dab some on the new rash and kept moving.

I woke the other morning with a horrible, horrible headache. I had a hard time finding a comfortable spot but when I did I was able to sleep long enough for the headache to go away. I thought with the aches and pains and normal icky feelings I might have caught some kind of sickness that would run it's course. Another day passes and I'm feeling so bad. I'm just not happy and I hurt and I wanted to just curl up in the fetal position and hibernate like a tired old grizzly bear in a cave. I was given a directive to make a hot toddy and go to bed-which is what I did. I woke this morning and felt no better. Why do I hurt so much? My joints are aching. My knees. My hips. My elbows. My neck is stiff. I feel a little upper respiratory niggle that has me on the verge of coughing but not quite there yet. My head is congested and it hurts too. That though may be just allergies or I'm having a psychosomatic response. Nothing a Claritin D can't fix. And it did. I decided to forgo the Aleeve today to see if I could manage. Eh. I got through half the day and I was miserable. Which leads to the next directive - see a doctor or go to Urgent Care. I opted for Urgent Care. It takes forever to get in to see my beloved primary doctor. 

I finish up my work day and head straight to the Urgent Care center. I feel like a dumbass because I'm not really sick but I feel like crap and I'm too impatient to wait three weeks for an opening with my primary. All the correlating facts of aches, joint pain, headache, stiff neck, and fatigue partnered with seeing a tick and having a freaky pea sized rash on my back had me thinking I picked up some kind of tick born virus or something. I dunno! I'm not a doctor! So here I am telling the nurse what's going on. She's asking me some general questions then tells me the doctor will be in shortly. I feel so dumb. Moments later in comes the doctor. Oh, by the way my blood pressure is always, ALWAYS, a normal 120/80. These machines they use now are WRONG! How the hec did I have a reading of 157/90? Then a second of 142/82? The machine blood pressure thingy is junk. And totally wrong. Wrong. 

This doctor has a very thick Spanish accent which honestly I understood perfectly. I did find myself speaking in a sort of spanglish with him which he chuckled at and encouraged me to continue. We discussed all my symptoms and correlating facts of timing and observation for a few minutes. He examines me. And tells me there is a very slim to none chance I picked up something from a tick bite and the rash could be ringworm but it doesn't itch which is the primary symptom. So ringworm and tick disease is ruled out. Now this guy is asking about family history of arthritis or rheumatism. What? Holy crap! No. There is no history that I know of. Why? So he begins to exam my joints. Mainly my knees and elbows since that is where I felt most pain today. Yesterday it was my elbows and my hands. The day before it was my knees and hips. Yeah, I'm a mess. Anywho...dude presses a spot on my elbow and I squealed. I had to resist throat punching him. then he did the same on my knee. I squealed again. I had to resist kicking his baby maker. I'm like, what the hell is going on here with the manhandling? 

Are you ready for this? He suspects I have rheumatoid arthritis and recommends I see a specialist for further testing and gave me a script for Celebrex. Oh dear. The fatigue and aching are a part of rheumatism and the congestion with upper respiratory whatever is probably what is going around and will pass in a few days if left to run its course. Great.  

I now am conscious of each ache, pain, stiffness of my joints, and the chronic feeling of being tired. I feel like I aged 10 years in one hour at the Urgent Care. I'm old and now I feel it. 

 

I don't wanna!

This happens every term. I get mid way successfully then I decide, "I don't wanna anymore!" I bust my ass to make the A's then roll in to midterm thinking, screw it. So, instead of doing school work tonight, I'm here. I'm even putting off my Thursday night shows and mindlessly watching some Hallmark movie about a detective dude as an undercover nanny. Sounds like a Rock or Jackie Chan movie. The best thing is this is my last term! I am so done with school!

I had my eyes checked last weekend. I decided to give contacts a whirl again. I was wearing dailies on the weekends and it was easy. I wore them then threw them out at the end of the day. Even then it bothered my eyes though. Got tired and dry. I was only good for about 8 hours and that was stretching it. I hadn't tried toric lenses in ten years or so-you know, to correct my astigmatism. Last time I tried this type of lens I was sick to my stomach. The technology of the anchor that keeps the lens from rotating was poorly designed and would rock side to side when I blinked making me nauseous. The newest kind doesn't do that. I actually see better with my new contacts than I do with my beloved glasses. I lived most of my life with glasses on my face. It became a trademark, sort of an extension of my personality. Like my boobs.

A fabulous weekend is planned. No, not going to a tropical locale to drink frozen adult beverages or taking a drive to the blue ridge or anything like that. That sounds like a great weekend too but honestly, every weekend spent with my Huck is fabulous. I don't care where we are as long as he's holding my hand. On a serious note, I'm still amazed by how much newness remains. There isn't a day that goes by I don't fall deeper in love with this incredible man.

Love your mom!

Mom. I love my mom tremendously. She's an incredible woman, truly. The "Lady" as I affectionately call her, made a life for herself and her family from basically nothing but the knowledge of her upbringing. She had Dad for support of course, but she raised us on her own. She was born and raised in a third world country, living in a one room house with dirt floors. She finished high school but received no formal education after. Her days since her 19th year was spent raising a family and taking care of a man. I received my formal wife-mother training from the Lady.  She is an accomplished wife-mother and I followed very closely in her foot steps to that regard. Granted three times a wife but that's not the point.

The Lady is a very, very giving woman. She has provided for me and my brother and her collective brood of grandchildren over and over again. She worries about all of us all the time. Her vigil is tireless. Her efforts do not go unnoticed and her giving and loving nature are appreciated times infinity. For real!

But there is this one character trait I've noticed most of my life...the Lady has a dark streak. And this darkness- I really don't know what else to call it-is not a good thing to be the object of. In my earlier years she would nag and I would fight back, venomously. Now, I listen and let her say what she needs to say. Sometimes more than once. Ok, at least three times three different ways maybe more. Then I say, "Yup. You have a great point there, Lady." And then I politely end the call. Or walk away. Actually, my Huck taught me the art of just letting her have her say and letting it go. I do fear though that one day I will sound just like her. My son told me once I sounded just like his "Bà ngoại" (the Vietnamese word for "Nana.") I shivered and said "Oh God NO!" Boy did I reign it in in a hurry!

The Lady can pepper anyone with a barrage of demeaning darkness that would leave even a four star general in tears. Her tactic is extreme. It's downright mean. She begins the conversation with pleasantries then BAM! You're hit over the head with her worries for you and how you should handle your problems and all the things you are doing wrong and why you haven't been able to get better things in life and why your dreams and hopes are worthless thoughts and the choices you make in life are mistakes and on and on and on...There isn't a conversation with the Lady that doesn't end with the feeling of being a worthless lump.

This is why I have a three day limit when visiting her. I leave in worse psychological shape then when I arrived. There is no relaxing, no letting my hair down, no rest. I'm on guard the entire time waiting for the judgement. My hair is too long, too dark. I'm too fat. I'm not a good mother. I'm not getting enough exercise. Ok, she's right on that one. I spend too much money on unnecessary things. I should have no pets because I can't take care of myself. I live in a bad neighborhood, I need to move. There is very little, if any, complimentary conversation or supportive dialogue. I'm flooding now because I just had one of these very unhappy conversations with her tonight that has been only the source of her on going disappointment of my life. Well, actually this conversation has been the same topic for months and we've spoken every day and it's always the same thing....I've made too many bad choices in my life recently and is why life has dealt me the cards in my hand. Of course, this is her opinion not mine. I think my choices lately have been brilliant and the best for me. I'm carrying at least a straight flush now. Two years ago it was just a pair...




The best lines from Big Bang Theory this week...the girls went to Vegas for the weekend:

Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler: They have a group of Australian male strippers!
Bernadette: We want to go see if they can twirl their junk in the opposite direction!

Mercury in retrograde and the full moon...

I'm here again. It's late so I won't say too much but am feeling compelled to lay out some thoughts again. I am not an astrology nut nor do I feel my entire life is ruled by the planets but occasionally the monthly readings seem so spot on to me and my life circumstances. Mercury, my ruling planet, has gone to retrograde and tonight's lunar eclipse was supposed to bring some news that will initially freak me out then later be recognized as a blessing. When your ruling planet goes retrograde it seems that all you've done starts to unravel. Anything you do during a retrograde doesn't stick. It's as if the Universe decides...hmmm...I think I'll fuck with her fate line for a few weeks and make her think she's a nut job. Well, we are all a little nutty. Some of us just hide it better than others.

I realize that astrology charts are general and geared to a large audience. I also realize that sometimes the charts are off and even specific days marked as "watch for it" doesn't mean the prediction isn't going to happen on that marked day. The predictions are not engraved in stone and so specific that you will be fully aware of when an event is to take place. The generalized prediction of events can take place at any time. And it's for entertainment purposes only.

Oh shit, I am rambling on like a crazy person.

I have been experiencing a great deal of anxiety the past few days. I thought my son was squared away and settled for a few months until he springs some rather unexpected news on me last week. He has a girlfriend. That wasn't the news that made me have an anxiety attack and it's not that I never expected it but I didn't expect it to happen under these circumstances. He's not yet found his place and it concerns me. How can he make a relationship work if he has no idea where he's headed? He's doing exceptionally well though granted he's not found his place. He's handling the pressures of (sorta) being on his own. Making his own choices. He's understanding there are consequences of his decisions and actions. He's growing up. Now he just needs to get an effing job!

Chicks are chicks. We think and do things that men feel are considered "typical" of chicks. We are emotional creatures and spend a great deal of time analyzing information, responses, actions...our brains are akin to 3, 478 Google tabs open at the same time. Our brains are wired to make connections to every thing and anything all at once and all over the place. For instance, I know my Huck loves me. With out a doubt he loves me. He even tells me in the most endearing and wonderful ways. It's not always a direct statement of "I love you." Sometimes its shown with a made bed or dishes loaded in the dish washer. Sometimes the message is embedded in the lyrics of a song. Sometimes its a reminder of shared moments brought to the front of my mind like an advertisement torn from a magazine. His message is always heard no matter how it's told. But, from time to time due to being a damn typical chick, I hear the message but read too much into it and spin it to be something else entirely. I have these moments and am not ashamed to admit when I am having one of these dimwitted typical chick moments. Just know, I hear the true message loud and clear and it makes me swell with warmth and love. My goodness, I love my Huck!