I smell smoke!

I've been thinking again...this is dangerous, I know. 

I've been thinking about what I may do after I'm too old and too tired for the work force. Am I going to be one of those goofy old ladies wearing a red hat and purple dress? Red hat maybe. Purple dress...uh, NOT! While I love the regal shade of purple I refuse to wear it. Has something to do with a popular kids character named Barney. You heard of him? Yeah. Not going to wear purple.  Moving on, so, will I take up numerous hobbies like knitting, macrame, or crocheting? Nah. Maybe make jewelry or take more art classes. Maybe find a pottery shop I can turn my own clay and fire it. I will admit, I was totally prepared to becoming the crazy dog lady. You know, I'd be retired but I'd work tirelessly for the local Golden rescue. I'd foster half a dozen in a quaint house near the ocean with a pool in the back yard. Yes, I need a pool. There is some strange therapy wrapped around that need. Kinda like how I feel when peeling an orange. Oh, and I'm going to have sun-kissed skin and no tan lines. But yes, I actually considered starting my collection of orphaned Goldens sooner rather than later. Seriously. 

Then something unexpected happened. Someone else showed up. All of a sudden I don't want to be the crazy dog lady anymore. Don't misunderstand, I will likely always have at least two-dogs I mean. I'm very partial to dogs. Big dawgs! They respond, they adapt, they love unconditionally. My girls are like my kids. But this isn't about them. This is about my person. My heart. The one that found a way to my soul. A path no one has ever seen or known quite frankly, not even close.  No one ever reached the barrier to break through. To me, it's pure magic. In the past it was always about what I could bring to the table. I cook. I clean. I do the laundry. I vacuum even though I loathe doing it. I was raised to be a house wife. I was raised to take care of a man and children and a home. The lady is not disappointed by my interpretation of the trade she bestowed on me. My daddy raised me to be an independent thinker and hard worker. He also taught me how to be kind and gentle to even those who cannot do anything for me- look for the best in everyone but don't settle. And there I go on another tangent...point is, I don't believe my most favorite will take me for granted like the others. 

So now I'm looking ahead and there is someone there. My son is living his own life. Maybe married with my grandbabies-please God not until I'm at least 50! My person is parked in his chair watching the tube-sports most likely. For fuck sake, yes! He has a pass for ALL sports. You know what? I dig the hell out of it too! The dogs are sleeping at his feet. Where am I? Puttering around the kitchen deciding what to bake  or cook , maybe writing a novel, based on real life. Either way, I've got a pitcher of fresh squeezed lemonade made with sliced strawberries and a little bit if mint. I dunno why mint, for zing? I'm doing my thing whatever whim fancies me at the time. The freakin' most awesome thing about that, the whim and fancy thing? He let's me do it! Whatever it may be. Well, except for the half dozen dogs. I don't think that will fly. LOL!

The point is this, I thought I was going to go it alone for the rest of my life. I thought for certain that I was not destined to be somebody's someone. Not for lack of trying that's for sure. Glutton for punishment? Probably. I'd rather call it just plain hopeless. But this last time? Shoot, I just threw in the towel. I was determined to be alone. To be the crazy dog lady with half a dozen golden retrievers running around the pool in the back yard of a quaint little house near the ocean. 

You know what? Solitary crazy dog lady life is not my vision anymore. There is no question of what's next for me. I know what's next. I get share my life with an amazing incredible man. Today, tomorrow, the next day...in what capacity? Eh, we'll figure it out. Cross that bride when we come to it. I can hear him calling for me from his chair though, "Baby girl?! Can you make me a sandwich?" I smile and answer, "Of course, Huckleberry. You want some lemonade too?" Because this life is what the lady prepared me for. This life is what my daddy taught me to hold out for. This life is the one I've wanted each time I tried and failed. 

As always,

M

Comes back on you three fold...

I've talked about this before. Whatever energy you put out in to the universe will come back to you. For a year now I've been practicing what I preach. I find the positive in every situation. Life is complicated enough. Why throw negativity on top of things you can't control? Here's an example. I have this beautiful new shiny red car. I've only had Sexy Bitch for six weeks. I work at a location with hundreds of others and parking gets hairy as the morning turns to afternoon. I backed in to a spot like normal. Granted...my backed in parking needs some work-I'm still trying to remember to use my camera- but I'm cozy in my space. I guess too cozy. Someone clipped my car pulling out of the space next to mine. Yeah, Sexy Bitch needs a face lift already. I went through the expected range of emotions. Disbelief, anger, sadness...then remembered, It's just a car!  It was an accident and this is why we have insurance. Good thing was, and this is part of the the energies you send out (karma, law of attraction), the owner of the other car left a note of apology and a number. I don't believe this kindness could have been extended unless I had that positive vibe surrounding me. 

My point? If I had been sending nothing but nasty negative downer energy out there then things could have been worse. It's that simple. Since I began this transformation I noticed that my negative days are fewer and far between. I have a lot to make up for but the positive energy I send out, the positive outlook I have, and letting go of things I can't control - its life changing! So much good comes to my life. I now attract the things, and people, that keep me positive. Of course, there remains in my world a scattering of the nattering nabobs of negativity from my other life time.  Old habits or blind acceptance?

Something happened this week that troubled me for a minute. This is because I accepted the circumstances as they had always been and never questioned how it may affect my positive vibe and the positive vibes of others I care for and love. Never considered it may be harming to all the changes I made or to the one I now adore.  I've accepted this negative energy to continue to be a part of my life without questioning why and I was called out on it, indirectly, but called out none the less. The message was immediately apparent and I knew it was the truth. As I retold the events to a dear friend his response hit me pretty effing hard in my heart. Not a bad hard but like saying,  duh, you dipshit! And I quote, "It takes someone to want better for you to point out the things you have been too willing to accept." I overlooked the truth of the energy surrounding this event for so long it just became acceptable behavior. 

Why did it hit me hard in the heart? The person that called me out...this person wants "better" for me...and happens to be my most favorite of all time in the history of ever! It took another person separate from the event and unaware to remind me again how much my most favorite adores me in return. 

Another thing I relearned through this event, negative feelings are negative energy. Jealousy, envy,  and anger are the most common. The transfer of affection, coveting the good fortune or luck of another, feeling wronged are all validating. I am not going to strip the right to feel these emotions from any one person or even myself. Feel them if it makes you feel better. Realize though, those emotions are negative and if you feel that negativity you send that negativity out to the universe. It will swell out of control and it just becomes all you know. These negative emotions are most likely why the universe isn't sending you anything good to work with. Your feelings and actions determine whether the universe will provide the darkness or the light. Only you are responsible for that. 

When I decided to make positive changes in my life I was lacking the confidence of success. Living in the aftermath of another failed marriage did a number on my self esteem and confidence. I incorporated some self talk in my morning routine that really helped me move past the bad. If you want your life to change you have to start with your self. You have to love who you are and know you have great things to contribute. If you do not believe this with every fiber of your being, reaching your goals will be a long challenging road. 

That is all. 

As always,

M

I don't normally use scripture to open conversation...

From 1 Corinthians 13 and The Way of Love...“Love excuses everything, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

OK, I never use scripture to open conversation but a topic came up today that got me kinda thinking. Yes, I am about to philosophize you but not in a pompous way! I promise! A friend posted a thought provoking question on Facebook today. He asks, "Between the two, what is the ultimate sacrifice; losing an everlasting friendship or losing a potential love forever?"  In my mind the answer is so complex but yet so easy to understand. Everlasting friendship is also everlasting love. Sometimes the friendship comes first and sometimes it's love. The definition of the word 'potential' is having the capability or ability to develop to something more. So how do you know you've lost a love if it was only potential? I believe that love is felt so deep in your soul that there is no potential but rather, propensity. The inclination is there and develops over time. And you just...know. Some things are also just  not meant to be. And some things have always been meant to be and finally arrive. Love sleeps in us until we are ready to let it wake our hearts. 

The love you feel for each person you connect with in your life varies. We love our parents, we love our siblings, we love our children, we love our spouses or significant others, we love our friends, we love our pets. Some of us even love inanimate objects or people we will never meet. This brings us back to just knowing it in the deepest parts of our soul. If we are meant to love someone, we do. And we know it. There is never a question of potential. It's innate. 

Let's talk a little about the love we feel for our significant others. This is something else that has the wheels turning. You think you love the other person and that love could be forever. Then shit happens and you move on in life with a broken heart. Or you are the one that breaks the heart of another. Either way the love you thought was forever isn't anymore. The love has changed or gone away. Now you are going through the motions of life again and you are meeting new people or rediscovering people you already knew and, WHAM-O! You are KO'd by cupid, knocked flat on your ass. You sit up and see little pink hearts dancing around your noggin. This happens every day for the same man and its fantastic! 

You know you felt love for the others in your past. Had to have, or else you wouldn't have coupled with them or even married them. But that changed and is over. Now you are part of something much larger and you question yourself. This person is in every way perfect for you. This person gets you. This person has made you a better person. You love this person with every bit of your soul that you wonder, did you even love the others in the past because dude, it was nothing like this. Nothing. Not even close. And when its mutual, because you just know it is...OMG....heaven on earth! You are pinching yourself thinking you are dreaming but its not a dream. Its real and you wonder how you deserve such bliss.

I believe if we ask the universe for what we want we will receive it when we are ready. Go on. Don't be afraid. Tell the universe what you are looking for and when you are finally ready to receive, you'll find your person in the most unlikely and unexpected way.

There is no higher gift than love.

As Always,

M

When I could be doing other things...

I just like this story...Hercules and Megara. He dove in the river Styx to rescue her soul!

Hamper is overflowing. School work is waiting. Dusting is behind schedule. Vacuuming, one chore I loathe, needs to be done daily. Brushing the hairy beasts seems like a good idea. I didn't make my bed this morning. Toilets needs to be scrubbed. The dishwasher is full. I've got a great book to read. I'm exhausted by the time change still. TV is keeping me company tonight. Haven't done yoga in a while. Winning the lottery sounds like a great idea. Bake? Nah. Not in the mood. Boy, am I all over the place or what? I have a great life. A life that allows me the luxury of putting off many of the things I could be doing. I am blessed in so many great and incredible ways! I am wealthy with adoring family and loyal friends. I've even found a love that is quite unique and just, gosh, amazing! 

OMG! What is wrong with me? A commercial just came on advertising mobile check deposits and Momma handed her new baby to her brother so she could do her banking. He was resistant at first but after the baby settled and stopped crying he was good to go. For half a millisecond I wanted a baby. Yikes! WTF? Wait, wait, wait...I think I know what this is about. A couple things actually. I can't believe I'm writing this here. First, my adult son will someday soon leave the nest. He will become a self sufficient, valuable contributor to society. That kind of freaks me out...that my child will want to leave and have a completely separate life from mine. What happened to the sweet baby that needed me for everything? I realize that's what kids do but damn. No! He's my baby and I don't want him to leave, ever! But I also want him to be independent. The bi-polar flip flopping doesn't work for me and wears me out.  Your old ma will adjust when its time to go. 

OK ,so the other thing is going to be harder to explain. Huckleberry loves kids. Adores them. I see this in him. I see him watch children with wonder and awe. Quite frankly makes me feel squishy when I'm witness to this, this joy and delight dancing in his eyes. Gooey, goo-goo eyed squishy! I  smile and my heart swells. So, I'm 42, nearly 43. Holy shit! I'm not a spring chicken anymore. Shop is closed and has been for over two decades. The biological clock no longer ticks, trust me. Never in those 20 some years did I ever have any longing need or desire for another child. Nope, not even an inkling. So what the hell happened? I think I can explain what happened. I've talked about how Huckleberry's happiness is in turn my happiness. In that half a millisecond I wanted a baby because I know children, in general, bring happiness to Huckleberry. Not my intention to sound bat shit crazy...c'mon it was just a fleeting thought! Please don't hang me! Totally went full female for half a millisecond over a TV baby. Geez! I can hear him asking in his radio DJ voice, "What is wrong with you?" With emphasis on the word 'wrong.' LMAO! Can't take the thought back now. It happened whether we were ready to hear it or not! And I'm shaking my head at myself...

I've just reached that awkward moment when I said something stupid and instead of shutting up I keep talking and made it worse. Yeah, I could be doing other things right now. Like keeping my mouth shut. 

Before I was me...

The Guff ~ Hall of Souls

Most of the 80's teens will recall a film called, "The Seventh Sign." It was an apocalyptic movie centered around the Book of Revelations.  Basically the world was coming to an end because there were no more souls in the Guff to be born. I've always had a strange fascination regarding reincarnation and rebirth; specifically how different religious faiths believe what happens to our souls after death.  Don't worry, this isn't going to be one of those fanatical discussions on religion and how one over powers the other. My personal belief about religion is this...EVERYONE is religious. Religion is simply defined as making a choice to believe or not believe. What that belief may be is defined by our early teachings and later formed by our life experiences. And we're moving on...

I joke that my life's lesson, in this lifetime, is to learn patience. I must learn to have and keep the patience afforded saints. I've also joked that God understood that I chose to come back to learn this lesson of patience so only blessed me with one child. This trial of patience would be so great that to have more than one child I'd waste this life's lesson. I do love children. They are funny little drunk people when they are small, become argumentative asshole aliens in their teens, then finally become decent sub-humans you may actually be able to carry a half way decent conversation. I can surprisingly adapt to communicate effectively with each phase it's scary. It also takes patience. Aha!

I read a book a few years back about past life regression hypnosis. I saw a theatrical version of this type of regression therapy in the movie, "K=Pax." Good movie. All of my former ideas of past life and reincarnation possibilities surfaced recently, well in the past couple few months, and I am left wondering again. Who the eff was I before I chose to return? Apparently someone that needed a lot of work! Sheesh! I think I am here to not only learn patience but to overcome all my short comings from my past. All the short comings I did not fix in any of my lives previously have culminated to this big ball of personality I know today as me. My goodness I have not even scratched the surface of overcoming anything. Well, maybe. Ok, maybe not.

Here's the funny thing. I'm not alone in this journey. Now don't roll your eyes at me. We are all allowed to believe what we want and I believe I've connected with someone from a past life. What we were to each other before is not certain but we were something. I've never felt or known this strong a connection before, ever. You can be acquainted and familiar with a person for years before the "Masters" decide it's time to push you together. Its timing and timing has to be right, just right. These dudes and dudettes are watching and deciding who to "ship" like characters in a novel. The attraction was always there but just taking a nap. You begin noticing things about each other you never saw before. His eyes twinkle, she smiles. Then BOOM! Butterflies and fuzzy brain happen. Then all that matters is his happiness. And his happiness becomes her happiness and vice versa. Then I ask...was it a past life we shared or did we just chill together in the Guff?

Still have no earthly clue who I was, who he may have been. It would be interesting to know. Not knowing is fun too because we can invent. I dare say oddly, even at this age, I'm still surprised daily by the things that are firsts for me in this shiny new whatever it is. And it's not just actions. My effort is always matched and that is one of the firsts that made me trip and fall. Feelings are also very new. Some may be slightly reminiscent of times past but its all new found strength, endurance, and depth and all are tipping the scales! Makes my head spin in the most wonderful, amazing way! 

I truly adore Huckleberry! Truly!

As Always,

M

“To see and appreciate the soul of others with whom you are in a relationship is a higher state of awareness. To see only their outer characteristics provides a limited and incomplete perspective. Their current personality, just like their current physical body, is a temporary manifestation. They have had many bodies and many personalities but only one enduring soul, only one continuous spiritual essence. See this essence and you will see the real person.” 
― Brian L. Weiss