The answer to life, the universe and everything...

Says Ethel.

I've always been of the mind set, "If it doesn't fit, don't force it." This can apply to a multitude of things and situations. Like skinny jeans. Yeah, don't force them on if they aren't going easily over your ass. Strappy sandals. While they may be cute with your new summer dress if your pinkie toe is riding outside the confines of the straps and looking like a talon, you're doing it wrong. Tight t-shirts. If you have Ethel Rolls, just don't. If you are wondering, Ethel Roll is that roll of chub that sits over my belly button and from time to time struggles for freedom and begs for chocolate cake and wine. And bread. Oh, pasta. Yeah. Pasta.

You get the point. 

Sometimes the universe will put us in a situation (especially if we asked for it and are ready to receive it) we are forced to make decisions that will be life changing or altering. Usually a positive experience but sometimes not so positive. Sometimes these situations in life are microscopic instances or occasions that barely register on the blip-o-meter whether we decide for or against. Whether you are trying to decide if that chocolate chip cookie at midnight is a good idea or working on something more pressing like what kind of car to buy, we have to take the emotion out of the equation.

The larger decisions and circumstances that involve others in your life are the most difficult to remove the emotion. Someone is bound to be disappointed or brokenhearted at some point especially when it's a not so positive situation. Recently we, Huck and I, were faced with a situation requiring a decision on a very positive event that could have gone two ways. This is where the whole "don't force it" cliche comes to play. Let me tell you how relieved I was we were of the same mindset with this one. I knew we were very closely tuned but this situation just proved we think a lot alike in these situations. Ok, I'm not sure if I should be scared or relieved now that I think of it - about the thinking the same thing. It's just uncanny how we can come to a separate conclusions about the same situation separately (if that makes sense) and we react the same when the situation concludes. Don't get me wrong, I was a bit stressed waiting but when the answer came I knew what to do. He did as well. The 'what to do' was the same for both of us. Dust off our britches and keep on moving forward. We can't force something to happen that isn't meant to be. And we are fine with that outcome. Moving on.

No need to don your imminent peril sunglasses or keep track of your towel or feed your babelfish. Life is about everything fitting without being forced. The universe will provide us with our most heartfelt desires if it will fit. If what you think you most desire doesn't come to fruition it's probably because the universe is preparing you for something better. Bigger. More meaningful. And equal to 42.

A valid questionnaire.

1. You have ten dollars and need to buy snacks at a gas station, what do you buy?
Diet Coke, Funyons and spicy Slim Jim's

2. If you were reincarnated as a sea creature, what would you want to be?
A mermaid so I could still walk on land during the full moon.

3. Who is your favorite redhead?
Has to be Jessica Rabbit...she's not bad she's just drawn that way.

4. What do you order when you are at IHOP?
The omelet with hash browns in it

5. Last book you read?
Last book I finished reading is, "First Phone Call from Heaven" by Mitch Albom.

6. Describe your mood.
I'm in a fabulous mood right this moment

7. Describe the last time you were injured:
When I stole the recycle cart from one of my neighbors and broke my toe nail trying to hide it. I didn't intend to steal it. I swear.

8. Of all your friends, who would you want to be stuck in a well with?
Of all of my friends I have to say Lulu would be the best company but she might hate me if I wished this fate on her. 

9. Rock concert or symphony?
How about a rock symphony?

10. What is the wallpaper of your cell phone?
Roses from my Huck.

11. Favorite soda:
Today it's Coca-cola Cherry Zero

12. What type of shirt are you wearing?
A t-shirt from Colorado

13. If you could only use one form of transportation:
A magic carpet would be great

14. Most recent movie you have watched in theaters?
Live action Cinderella. It was wonderful!

15. Name an actor/actress/singer you have had the hots for:
There have been so many...Chris Hemsworth and Henry Kavil are my faves lately.

16. What is your favorite kind of cake?
Dennis the Menace cake...yellow cake with chocolate fudge frosting

17. What did you have for dinner last night?
Some pasta and marinara.

18. Look to your left, what do you see?
Out the window at the roof of a lower building.

19. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Nope but then I dont' wear shoes that require laces either.

20. Favorite toy as a child?
I used to have this stuffed seal I called Felicia

21. Do you buy your own groceries?
If I want to eat.

22. Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
Of course they do! They talk about how darn fabulous I am :)

23. When’s the last time you had gummy worms?
About a year ago when I got some at the candy shop before a movie.

24. What's your favorite fruit?
I love most all fruit but always have apples around.

25. Do you have a picture of yourself doing a cartwheel?
Ya know...I do actually. It's in an old album at the Lady's house

26. Do you like running long distances?
Fuck no. I don't even like running short distances.

27. Have you ever eaten snow?
Yup and tried catching snow flakes on my tongue

28. What color are your bedsheets?
I put the dark brown ones on today.

29. What's your favorite flower?
daisies they are such happy flowers

30. Do you do ballet?
Never have. I have no balance to do any of that nonsense.

31. Do you listen to classical music?
once in a while

32. What is the first TV theme song that pops in your head?
Big Bang Theory theme song

33. Do you watch Sponge Bob?
I used to when the Punk was little.

34. What temperature is it outside right now?
Hot and muggy I am sure

35. Do people consider you smart?
I've been told I'm a blind squirrel.

36. How many piercings do you have?
4 total...in my ears

37. Are you signed on AIM?
When was the last time anyone used that crap?

38. Have you ever tried gluing your fingers together?
Never on purpose

39. How do you feel about your family?
I love the dysfunctional bunch.

40. Do you have an iPod?
Nope. Used to have an iPhone.

41. What time do you go to bed?
When I am tired. Usually about midnight.


42. What CD is currently in your CD player?
In the car it's Awesome Mix No.1

43. What movie do you know every line to?
I don't.

44. What is your favorite salad dressing?
Blue Cheese

45. What did you get for Christmas this year?
It was a Hawaiian Christmas and loved every bit of it.

46. What family member/friend lives the farthest from you?
I have family in Cali.

47. Do you like hugs?
I love warm hugs

48. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
hmmm today when he text me he slept late

49. What is the way people most often mispronounce any part of your name?
My mom can't say my name. The r's sound like L's

50. last person you hugged?

My massage therapist this morning

Have you ever kissed somebody who's name started with J?
Yeah actually, my first kiss was with a boy named Jason.

Do you use smiley's on the computer a lot?
Probably more than I should be using them.

Did you sing at all today?
as a matter of fact I did along with the radio

Do you like orange juice?
Only when I can have it on the rocks

What's the first thing you did when you woke up this morning?
turned off my alarm and said "fuck" then played the snooze game for 30 more minutes

What was the last thing you bought?
A bday gift for Lulu

You have a crazy side?
Crazy as in psycho? no.

Do you wish someone was with you right now?
Yes.

Would you rather it be sunny or rainy ?
depends on what I am doing

When was the last time you talked to your number 1?
my number 1 what?

How do you feel right now?
Relaxed. I'm sore a little. My throat hurts.

What do you want for your birthday?
Hugs and kisses

What do you currently hear?
The TV - NCIS is on. My nails clicking on the keyboard...

Do you like getting big hugs?
Yes, I love warm hugs.

Who did you last talk to on the phone?
Huck

How did last night go?
It was quiet. Got my chores done.

Is there someone who doesn't like you because of something you didn't do?
I am sure some where along the way someone blames me for something I am not privy to.

How much money is in your wallet?
I may have a few dollar bills.

Have you ever been punched in the face?
Yes and I beat the crap out of him the stupid head.

Ever been on a motorcycle?
Many moons ago and loved it

Did you shower today?
Gonna when I am done with this task. I still don't know what possessed me to do it.

Are you closer with your mom or dad?
I was closest to Daddy when he was still here. Now it's the Lady by default. I'm not her favorite.

Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?
I do for the most part. Once that trust has been breached it's very difficult to get it back.

Do you like to travel?
Yes! Where are we going?

What is your favorite kind of food?
I don't like liver

Can you cook?
Yes I can. Never trust a skinny cook ya know.

If you're stressed then get a cold clap your hands!

I left work early today in haste. It wasn't because I had an emergency or just over working. I didn't have an appointment or need to run an urgent errand. I left in haste because I think I'm coming down with a cold. I have the tell-tale symptoms of body aches (though mild now and my be due to the diagnosed diagnosis of Fibromyalgia), I have the post-nasal sore throat, I had the chills earlier then got hot, and just feel like caca overall. I got the bleary hot eyes last night and began to sneeze this morning. So I sped home to begin dosing on some homemade turkey soup and Zycam. It's actually no wonder I may be coming down with something with all the recent stress I've experienced. It could also be the fault of my boss-man walking around the office with the coughs and sniffles. He did a great job hiding out but those little bugs always find a way to infiltrate the strongest of immune systems.

Where do I start? I know, how about I tell you how my son decided to run away to Mexico? I'm not kidding. In years past I used to always joke I was running away to Mexico when I was overwhelmed and frustrated. I used to kid when something went wrong, "That's it! I'm running away to Mexico!" Well my kid decided he was doing the same for real. After a couple of poorly made decisions the past couple of months he finally came clean and told his father and I about his plans to find his own way in his life. The day before he was due to leave. Yeah. I wasn't too happy to hear his plans needless to say. I understand why he feels he needs to do this. Long story short, my son, my only son, my only child, will be crossing the Mexican border in the morning.

He's traveling with a family that he's known for half his life. They are good people and I have to trust they will look out for him as one of their own. He's going to work there for the family he is traveling with so he will be occupied and not truly vacationing. Shit, the kid doesn't speak Spanish so he will not likely be running the streets alone. Oh, God please don't let him get that wild hair up his ass. I'm still freaked out and worried about his stay there. He does plan to return home after a month or two but while he is there I'm going to be a wreck. My son is a young handsome white American man. American being the operative word. I have heard the stories of kidnappings and whatnot that it makes me freak even more. OMG this means I'll be sleeping with Prince Xanax more often than not. Especially when I don't hear from him and if you are reading this Punk, I BETTER HEAR FROM YOU FREQUENTLY!!!

I don't know how many parents have been in this situation. Your kids are grown and making life choices with out you. They may be making good ones. They maybe making not so good ones. How do you get through feeling the decisions they make are going to end catastrophically wrong? How do you find peace with the choices they make and not consider your input or concerns? How do you let your babies go into the world with out you holding their hand to guide them down the right path? How?! Tell me, please!?! Those of you out there with young ones...yes, this is what you have to look forward to. Your sweet babies will one day decide it's a great idea to run off to Mexico no matter how much you beg them not to go.


In order for me to keep calm I have instituted the "Don't Tell Me Your Negative Thoughts" rule starting immediately. My thought process is this, if I say the things that worry me aloud then it is a thought I am sending out to the universe to answer. If that spoken thought is negative then I am inviting the universe to answer  in a negative way. Someone explain this to the Lady please. In the past four days I have hung up on her six times. She keeps talking about how this could happen and that could happen and omg then this may happen. Seriously? I don't want to hear it. If I hear it then it gets tangled up in my brain and I can't dispel the foreboding thought of impending disaster. And the Lady gets mad every time I tell her to stop. She says she feels it is better to say what could happen and her worst fears so that we are all aware it could happen. What? We all know what could happen. Why does it need to be said out loud? For fuck sake. Ugh.

I'm feeling pretty puny now. Time for some hot tea with lemon and honey. That always makes me feel better. Hmmm...the wonderful Huck got me some tea from Hawaii for Valentines Day. I think it's a good time to brew some of that great island goodness.

Near misses or hits or just missing the boat

Sam the
Pelican

I had a wonderful weekend last weekend. It was a weekend filled with greats. A weekend filled with fun. A  weekend filled with friendship. A weekend filled with love. I visited some areas of the west coast of Florida that I haven't seen in 20 plus years. I had no recollection of how I got to these places when I was a teenager. I know there were senior skip days and just plain old hooky days. There were trips with Daddy and other trips with high school friends. There were even trips alone on occasion.

Bad timing for a lot of things occurred last weekend. The museum that was normally open until six was closing two hours early for a private party. The opportunity to see my favorite surreal artist went out the window but it didn't bother me. Next time. Lunch was at a bar that I chose solely because the game we wanted to watch was on the TV.  I can tell you that bench we wanted to sit on to watch the sunset wasn't meant for us. The old couple carrying their own folding chairs decided it was too much trouble to use their own chairs. Neither was the other bench 50 feet away that was quickly poached by a gaggle of hyper teenagers as we meandered toward it. The bottle of hot sauce at a restaurant Huck wanted to acquire changed their labels so he opted for a coozie gift instead. 

The misses for the day went by the wayside at the ocean that evening. Even the coozie debacle that occurred after ward. The sand felt so good under my bare feet and all I needed was my arm hooked through Huck's to keep warm. The cool salty breeze kissed my cheeks filling my heart with happy giggles and treated my lips with happy smiles. I felt silly and playful and made Huck pose for selfies with the water behind us. He grumbled like a bear but knew he was happy to let me have my way. That time. Later that evening we went to see The Red Sunday who played a mean first set at a local beach bar! It was so much fun catching up with Red - you look great girl!

We started a game of "stay again" or 'hell no" with the hotels we stayed in during our travels. The little boutique hotel I chose (based on the term boutique) was an old rundown building that needed a serious renovation at best. But the location was great! Everything else pretty much sucked about it. Except that slutty shower curtain. She was all over me first then later all over Huck. At least it was a quiet, dry, clean place to sleep tangled up with my Huckleberry. That makes me happy. It still got a vote of hell no.

Ok, he's a handsome devil ain't he? 

I had the opportunity to meet a very special man on Sunday. It was fate that brought us together and a spiritual kinship that will keep us together. The connection goes back to the late sixties, the Army, and a controversial war. I tell the universe I missed my Daddy all the time so I believe a surrogate was sent to me. Meeting my surrogate for the first time calmed my mind and soothed my soul. Next time we will have more time. 

We had another miss over a $20 parking space. Huck claims it was a rookie move. We decided a walk to the ocean in the bright sunshine was a solution to tempering this crazy trend of bad timing. The sun warmed our skin as we enjoyed a relaxing stroll along the pier with the sparkling water all around us below, We saw sharks and pelicans. I named a pelican Sam. I don't know why but he looked like a Sam. We then headed further north. 

After the GPS bitch took us on a field trip to the post office we arrived at the most beautiful and charming boutique hotel. THAT hotel was worthy of calling itself boutique. WOW! Chandeliers, old upholstered chairs and settees, wall covered oil paintings, wooden walls, mirrors, and buffet tables. The room was remodeled and divine. The porches and veranda were lovely. We found a spot at a bar and had appetizers and libations to make us just a little loose and cheerful. The rest of the day was full of being in the right place at the right time. 

Then it was time to go home. And now I miss my Huck.

Yeah, I'm a thief.

A dirty rotten thief. In an effort to support my darling's altruistic desire to save our world and planet I decided I needed to start recycling again. The little community I live in does have two carts to collect our recyclables but I used it only once. That was when I moved here two years ago. Though it's nice the HOA wants to bring us all together by offering a community recycle area, they keep the carts behind a gate. And it's on the opposite side of the row of townhouses I live. While I am not lazy and don't mind dragging my recyclables to the carts 50 yards away it's just inconvenient. This is a shared sentiment with my neighbors on this end of the row. The community placement of the recycle carts may seem inconsequential to you but it meant I needed to remedy my insignificant problem with a quick phone call to the city. A quick 45 second call later promised a cart be delivered. Sometime in the future.

The request was made on this past Wednesday.  Yesterday was recycle pick-up day. As is our routine, the girls and I took our morning walk for their first constitutional of the day. I always walk the girls down the row of townhouses from my end to the other so they can check their pee-mail messages and leave some messages of their own. Along that path is a paved area where we, the residents of the community, leave our trash cans and recycle carts for pick up. Hmmm. There was an extra recycle cart on the pick up area this Thursday morning. Could it possibly be meant for me? Hmmm. The community carts are neatly stowed in the gated area as always and I didn't see the cart the night before during the late night walk with the girls. It must be mine. Hmmm. The girls and I finish our walk and passing by the pick-up area on the way back I decided to drag the cart back with us. It was well used and dirty inside but I stuck it in the garage anyway with a plan to wash it out later. 

When I arrived home yesterday there was an extra garbage can in front of my parking space. I thought nothing of it because my original can was still there, figured someone put theirs in the wrong spot. I quickly forgot about it the moment I noticed it and went inside to take care of the puppies. When I arrived home today not only was my original garbage can there along with the new garbage can but a a shiny new blue recycle cart was nestled next to them like a blue bird on a branch. This recycle cart had my house number written on it. Well, crap. I'm a thief. After I took care of the girls today I walked back out to my parking pace and rolled my bright and shiny new blue recycle cart into my garage. In my haste to get it out of sight I kicked the wheel and broke my big toenail. I broke it so badly it bled and now it stings. And now I have to soak it in Epsom salts and super glue it. I figure that is my karma for stealing someone's recycle cart.

Don't worry y'all. I will take the stolen recycle cart back out to the pick-up area. Granted it will be under the cover of a late night walk on Wednesday to make it look like it never left its spot. 

Naggers Annonymous

When you set your self up to have no expectations about a relationship, regardless of the stage it's in, nagging isn't necessary. If nagging is your mental speak and the need to spew a barrage of inane demands to your man with out regard to his mental reception you run the risk of him tuning you out. Or worse, running him off. Yes. Men will tune out the obnoxious verbal pecking quicker than you can blink. This is the primary reason women speak 50% more than men. Women, as a species, are always poking rather verbosely at men in general. Now why do you think that is? Do you think it's been since the dawn of time and the evolution of homo-sapiens that women have ridden the Nag-a-lot train? 

No wonder men only half listen to us. Imagine the cave lady is busy gathering  tasty roots and grass food while her man is hunting for meat. He comes home and the rabbit he snared is a little scrawny. What does she do? She starts in on him with grunts and screeching that can only be akin to nagging. That is the skinniest rabbit I've ever seen...You forgot to take the large spear again so you could catch something bigger... I can't depend on you to bring anything worthwhile home for me to cook...I get it, it was more fun time with your boys than it was about feeding your family...I bet you didn't bother hunting all day because you and your boys were cutting up and realized you needed to bring something home like that scrawny ass rabbit...and on, and on.  

One of the more profound adjustments I made in my attitude and approach to relationships was to stop trying to take control with incessant and totally unnecessary nagging. It never got me anywhere but ignored in the past so I figured it was part of my repertoire that could be ejected permanently for the sake of sanity. For not just me but Huck, too. There is nothing more aggravating than to be completely ignored when trying to make a point or demand action with a venomous forked tongue. Ugh! I am so glad I decided to stop nagging. Of course it was pretty easy to do. Why? Because Huck is without a doubt the best boyfriend ever. I'm not kidding. He gives me no reason to nag. It helps when your man isn't like any others. 

  

One little monkey...

I had the pleasure of enjoying a midday adventure to the University of Miami Medical Center for a nerve conduction study. While visiting with my Rheumatologist a couple weeks ago I mentioned I had some tingling and numbness in my hands. She recommended I go to neurology to get this study done to make sure everything is ok with with my nerves. Well, ok. Fibromyalgia is a nerve problem so I can see why she would suggest the trip. I decided midday would be the best time to drive down since early morning and late afternoon would have brought the Puerto Rican out in me with a whole lot of cussing. Though I am generally patient behind the wheel I do tend to yell at other drivers that don't know the pedal on the right makes a car go. C'mon! We all know I like to drive fast!

With the Ebola scare running rampant in the media, it seems most medical centers are asking patients upon registration if they've traveled to Africa in the past 21 days. I knew this question was coming so when the kid asked me if I'd traveled overseas or to Africa I said, "Yeah. About 10 days ago." OMG the look on his face. He froze. It seemed he didn't know what he should do next and it was only for a second or two then I couldn't help but start giggling. Then he started to laugh and says, " I was hoping your were joking because we'd have to sound the alarms and get a hazmat suit for you." To which I reply, " What? The alarms are Congo drums? And as long as the suit isn't prison orange we're good." 

I was flipping anxious. I was nervous. I was on the verge of darting out of the building because the wait time was nearing one hour. When the clock ticked past one hour I finally went to the desk and asked if I needed to reschedule my appointment to never. I was assured the doctor would be with me soon and the study wouldn't take too long. Ok, fine. Dammit. I went back to my seat. Then a few minutes later a little Asian girl calls my name from the entrance doors. Sheesh these doctors are as old as Doogie Howser was when he started med school. After following her down some long hallways we end up in the exam room. 

When I walked in the doctor was perched in front this towering computerized torture device. There was a monitor laced with buttons, dials, and switches with a rather thick electrical cord running towards the wall. I looked at the machine, at the smiling doctor, and back to the machine. If the look on my face didn't tip him off I was a little freaked out then the rather pathetic whimper did. I did one quick Google search on what to expect from this study. I found out a couple of electrodes would be placed on my skin at various points and electrical currents would be sent to my nerves to test for function and damage. It didn't sound too bad but I was still nervous about the pain factor. There was some mention of needles and that freaked me out but I was told to not do anymore research. I did read a bit further and found that was a different kind of test. So I relaxed a bit and forgot about it.

I was asked to lay down on the table. While chattering away like a friggin' monkey in a tree, the doctor prepped my arm from the elbow down with alcohol. The student doctor and the doctor both are in stitches laughing because I guess I'm a stand-up act at the Improv. They both exclaim that I have brightened their day with laughter and asked if I'd come back to see them again. I told them it depended on what painful torment they had in store for me but sure.Then he fastened stuff here and there and looped some wires around my fingers. I can't see what he's doing because I am lying down. The doctor kept asking me random questions and assured me there wouldn't be any pain just sensations. I have to admit I may have a high threshold for pain but it doesn't mean . There wasn't any pain. There wasn't much sensation either. I could tell the electrical current was increased at regular intervals but no, it didn't hurt. Just felt weird as hell. Then he said, "Ok, now I have to use the needles." I whipped my head towards him and said, "You're shittin' me right?" He threw his head back laughing and it took him a minute to continue getting his needles ready. The whole time I am staring at him like wtf?  The needles in my muscles test was quite a but more uncomfortable, didn't hurt, but I could feel my hand clenching up and spasm. When he was finished he said he was going to do my other arm. Uh, no. I politely declined that one. 

All said and done I have a mild case of carpel tunnel. What the freak is that all about? Well, at least I know why my fingers go numb sometimes but it still doesn't explain why my joints hurt and why I feel like I have the flu aches. The numbness isn't even all that bad. Makes me feel like it was a wasted trip. It would be nice if I could get through a day with out some kind of pain. In time I guess. Can't stop life because my joints hurt.