A prelude in an election year and other news...I'm in a ranting mood.

Politics.

As a general rule I don't spout off on politically charged tirades on a normal day or regular basis. I do not feel my opinion is anyone's business. Having a political opinion is like having a penis. It's great you have one and are proud of it but please, do not try to shove it down my throat. Once in a while I may read something or hear something that makes me tip my head sideways like a confused puppy but I move past the painful affront leaving the profane delusional fucknut to flail in the wind alone. When we, our great nation, enters in to a presidential election year it seems the political crazies come out. And boy does it make me cringe.

I rarely tell anyone this (because it's no one's business) but I consider myself a moderate with conservative leanings and I'll explain why. First of all I earned my undergraduate degree in Political Science. I concentrated my studies on the US Constitution. I did deep and meaningful research surrounding the creation and implementation of our constitution. I have dissected and pondered historical writings for the reasoning behind the movement for more or less government. My moral and religious upbringing led me to the right side of the spectrum as well. I am also an Army brat raised in a conservative household so there is some validity to upbringing. Now, there are firm conservative beliefs that I do not adopt as my own and why I consider myself a moderate. For instance, I believe that life begins at conception but I also believe it's a woman's right to choose if she will foster that life to birth. Pregnancy, from rape or incest or if a health matter becomes dangerous, by all means it must be a woman's choice to end. Sometimes the choice is a necessary part of life. In all matters, a woman must be able to choose what to do. I do not however feel a woman should use abortion as a means of birth control. Please use a contraceptive or sterilize yourself for crying out loud if you don't want to be a mother. Don't force society to support your poor decisions. And there is that conservative side rearing her head.  

Long story short - if you plan to voice your political opinion please make sure you know what you are talking about first. If you don't understand your rights do a little research then talk about it as a learning experience not as an attack on others because your ideas don't match the ideas of those around you.

I do not have a favorite in the presidential primary by the way, on either side.

Pets.

Something happened today on social media that really had me scratching my head. A "friend" on Facebook posted:

Ok, let's just say this instantly pissed me off. The way I read this and understood the words of what was stated here tells me the poster feels that people who have pets and treat them as children are wrong and they shouldn't get mad if someone points that out. That pets cannot be our "children" simply because they are animals. I have been blessed with the joy of raising a human child to adulthood. But there are people out there that will never know that blessing and joy and to fill that void they have dogs and cats (or exotic birds, or monkeys, or whatever). They treat there pets as children and refer to them as fur-babies or fur-kids. The post was subsequently removed when I personally called them out publicly saying it was pretty insensitive and unnecessary. I was accused of name calling. Whatever. Of course the poster also had to privately qualify their opinion. Seriously? You know what you did. You know very well what you said. Don't try to make it better by saying it's not what you meant. Pfft.

I'm not a critic, ice cream, and puppy dreams...

Sometimes I stumble on a TV show while exercising my thumb on the clicker. Of course ownership of said clicker has since departed my now un-exercised thumb but that isn't the point of my story today. Since I haven't had regular control of the remote my recent clicking excursion ended on a show which I am surprised is being aired. Two Broke Girls. The riches to rags and still in rags story doesn't do anything for me. The chemistry of these to actors is scripted. I will say there were a couple laugh out loud moments but more from the sheer ridiculous antics than from actual humor. I only stopped on this silly show because Mike & Molly is on next. I know it's a rerun I've seen at least three times in the past month but it's still a creatively funny script. Besides, why can't all shows have the easy humorous chemistry like Mike & Molly or Big Bang Theory? Ok, no. I am not a TV show critic or reviewer nor do I have aspiration to be one. Gone are the times of Siskel and Ebert because now we have fresh or rotten tomatoes. My choice of TV shows is personal and I really don't care if you like what I think of some of the TV fodder out there. Now, this doesn't mean I am giving up my Thursday night line up so get that idea out of your head.

I recently recounted a childhood memory to my darling Huck regarding the Lady. There was a time when Bubba and I were around the age of 5-ish when we went out for ice cream as a family. The Lady ordered ice cream for us to share with her. This was normal behavior of hers but looking back on that fleeting memory made me realize something. She didn't really want to share her ice cream with us. Why do I think that you ask? Because what five year old child likes rum raisin? Really. She ordered a scoop of rum raisin on one of those cake cones (which I would rather not have to this day) and proceeded to invite us to each have a lick of it. I remember vividly in that moment eyeballing a raisin and scrunching my nose up in distaste and saying, "I don't like it" without tasting it. And I never got a lick of ice cream that day. Around the same time frame the Lady tried to make home made strawberry ice cream because we asked for some. I didn't like that one with out tasting it also because there were large chunks of real fruit in it. Why can't a kid just get plain old chocolate or vanilla or pink strawberry ice cream? There is absolutely nothing wrong with being thrifty with food when you have small kids around. I've done it. The time and energy she spent to make that ice cream only for us both to turn our noses up at it makes no sense to me. She could have spent a few dollars on store bought and the Bubba and I would have been blissfully happy. Oh dear, my life is an episode of Fresh Off the Boat.

The fact I actually like rum raisin and real strawberry ice cream now isn't the point. 

Annie dog did the cutest thing today and I didn't catch it in time to get video. I was quietly working and knew both of my puppy girls were close by sleeping as they do for approximately 20 hours a day in their old age. I mean sheesh, the life of these girls...Eat. Shit. Sleep. Repeat. Anyway, I shifted slightly in the chair. I immediately hear this light thumping sound behind me for a good three or four thumps then it goes quiet. I figured Annie heard me and thought she was going to get pets. A couple heart beats later I hear it again. I didn't move in the chair this time so I realize I didn't trigger the tail tapping. I slowly turned around to see her sound asleep but wagging her tail. I am surprised she didn't wake herself up she was beating her tail so hard as if she were awake. Huck says she must have been having a good dream. I must concur. I think she was dreaming Huck came home :)

I've been a little busy

Life is ebb and flow like the tides of the ocean. Sometimes you find yourself with nothing to do but the mundane like grocery shopping and picking up dog food - the tide is rolling out leaving a clean shore behind and nothing obscuring your view to the vast ocean. It's peaceful tranquility. Sometimes your schedule is jammed packed with activities and meetups and events you are left exhausted thinking about all you have planned-the tide is rolling in with big crashing waves threatening to grab you and drag you out to sea. It's pure chaos. Occasionally the ebb and flow of life masterfully join and quietly roll in and out without incident where you get enough tranquility with some chaos peppered in there.

I really don't care to be balls to the wall busy all the time. It's fine to have multiple things scheduled in a week or weekend but I am not a back to back event participant. And I don't mind set plans but am more of the "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of girl. For instance, Huck and I had this idea for the gym, late lunch, then a movie yesterday. Well, we ended up ditching the gym and went to Walmart instead. Yes we grabbed a late lunch that was more like an early dinner. And no, the movie didn't happen. There was beer involved at a Happy Hour in our favorite beach spot which explains blowing off the movie. No big deal. So our plan changed on the fly. Oddly this happens more often than not with us. I'm totally good with it too. With all that said though, we are good about making scheduled engagements too. My Huck says he feels like a show pony and you know what? I love showing him off! 

On a completely unrelated note, I recently began working from home. It is something that I have been busting my ass off to do for the past year and finally earned the privilege to maintain my own virtual office. I worked at home years ago and was challenged not by being able to stay focused to work. The challenge came from working too much. Back then I was a salaried employee and it was just too easy to work all hours of the day and night. I had tons of autonomy and as long as I met my numbers the boss didn't care when I worked or how long. Things are different this time. But then again not really. There are distractions but not the same as before. I now have a schedule to keep one that I chose myself over a year ago. I am also older so my ability to focus is more finely tuned. 

After all these years I love working from home again. I get up at the same time as if I have to go to the office. But now I have an extra hour of leisure time to enjoy coffee and watch the news. I can take longer walks with the girls in the morning. Not that we walk further just dawdle longer so the girls have more sniffing time. The best thing is my job is no different. I just do it in my jammies now. There is no more racing the clock in the morning or fighting traffic on the short leg to work. I don't have to witness the palpable negativity of the Debbie Downer's in the office. It's quiet at home and comfortable. I feel so much more relaxed to do what I do. This of course makes me one happy chick.

It doesn't need to always be louder

I don't hear very well. I have trouble hearing at certain decibels. Sometimes a person's speak sounds like a mouth full of marbles to my ears. If you want to speak to me in the morning, especially soon after I've woken up, be prepared to repeat yourself at least three times. At the very least. The worst thing someone can do to me is get impatient or mad because no matter how hard I try I can't make out what was said. Occasionally my brain understands another's words so completely different and so far off what was intended that it's humorous. In my attempt to make certain I heard what another person says to me I repeat what was said. This acknowledges I understood and provides confirmation to whom I speak that I did actually hear. Yes, I realize this makes me kind of a parrot. A lot of the times if I don't hear you by the time you've repeated yourself three times I just give up and pretend I heard what you said. So don't be offended if I laugh and I wasn't supposed to. Or if I don't laugh and I was supposed to. Chances are I heard nothing. Accents are terrible. I can understand most but if your name is Rajesh or Drashti and you speak in that fabulous and beautiful Indian lilt - forget it. You better write it down on a post-it.

Another reason why I feel I don't hear well is because of all the noise in my brain. My thoughts are swirling and bouncing and rolling around without strategy or reason. There is no pattern to my thoughts because I can start thinking about one important item and it leads in the direction of something completely different. I joke I have ADD and while it may be true - I do exhibit many of the items on the diagnosis list - I try in vain to control my incessant need to just let my thoughts run wild. It's bad enough I cannot physically hear you but most times my brain wanders off and I'm caught up trying to remember what I'm supposed to pick up at Publix instead of listening to what you are saying. If I stop parroting you its a good indication I shut off the ears. I think Huck is the only one in my life that has learned to make me repeat what he said to make sure I was actually listening and heard the words and meaning.

So yeah, about this noise in my brain. See? I already derailed. I've got so much noise in my brain right now that I've tried a little psychotropic remedy to shut the flow of shit off. I don't think I'm doing it right or maybe it's not the right remedy. I spent the day wanting to cry for no reason other than I thought if I did I'd feel relief. Lulu called it a purge. Needless to say I have been moody and weepy the past couple weeks and I don't think anyone understands what is happening. Of course I don't let anyone in so its entirely my fault no one is wise to my crazy brain moments. I try to blame it on the "change" but I think it's so much more than that. I'm sure it doesn't help to have all those effing hormones racing around but I feel it's only a small part of what's happening. Besides, whining about my feelings is just so freaking female. Why do I want to whine and cry and tell everyone my feelings? I don't want to be pitied or anyone to feel sorry for me, or feel obligated to make me feel better in some way. I'm a strong, independent woman and crying is for girls.

So my son isn't speaking to me or anyone in the family still - since a few days before Mother's Day (which I'm still pretty hurt about). At least I know he's alive and hasn't completely oust me from his life. I see him on Facebook randomly through the day. The lady wasn't very nice to me over the weekend. She told me if the punk wasn't coming with me to my nephew's graduation to not bother coming at all and my nephew wouldn't notice I wasn't there anyway. What the fuck?! Mean! At least Bubba and my sister-in-law care about me. Bubba said he wanted me to come regardless which made me feel better. Daddy would have been 73 years old yesterday. Any time I think of Daddy, which is every day, I wish he were here to just hug me and tell me everything will be ok and tuck my hair behind my ear like he used to when he was comforting me.

I have so many great things happening in my life also. Anything related to Huck is amazing. He's the most caring, darling, loving man. He takes wonderful care of me in all ways. And even though he says he has no patience for anything he has mountains of patience when it comes to me. And I know I am a very trying woman. So with the bad there is so much good too. And so much love. So very much.  Love is all that matter's in the end.

I forget to not expect...

The past year has been met with a great deal of the lowest lows. There are not many in my life that know what I've been through since last summer with regard to those lows. The concern, sadness, fear, and heartache has been trying. Exhausting. My hair is falling out. What's left is turning gray. I've put stress weight on. I am emotional and scatter brained. My health is being effected and my mental well being is in jeopardy. I spend a good deal of my alone time wanting to curl up in the fetal position to just cry. That can't be healthy. I internalize my pain. I don't speak openly about the things that bother me only because I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I don't want anyone to know I am troubled in any way. I wear a smile and laugh to mask, well, every dark and brooding thought that rolls around in my brain. Who wants to hear me whine about the things I feel? That is just too much to ask someone, even those who are my greatest champions.

I spent the entire day alone and feeling quite pitiful having boxed mac n'cheese for my Mother's Day meal because I just don't have it in me to get out for something better or all by myself. I tried speaking to the lady about it but she told me to suck it up-she's alone today too. Of course, she got cards and phone calls from her children. I got diddly squat. Nothing to say "I appreciate you, Mom." Nothing that told me I am loved. Nada. Zilch. While every day is mother's day to all us moms in the world the least our can do is reach out and say hello on the one day of the year designated to us. I received a very loud and clear "fuck off" in the form of silence today. Even with everything going to shit this past year it dawns on me, this is all just expectation. I am expecting someone to act a certain way. I know better than that.

I've come to realize that expectation in any relationship is just a set up. A set up for some great disappointments. It's not just in romantic love relationships but also with regard to family and friends. Not only did I expect my son to act a certain way today I also expected the lady to act a certain way as well. With all the difficulties I've had I have also been blessed with some very wonderful and amazing highest highs. The highs are what I must focus on. The highs are what keeps me going and moving forward. The highs helped me understand that no matter how dark it gets there is always light. Today is just another day. Another day I can embrace my blessings and love with all I have.

The highs must be my beacon out of the darkness today.

No learning curves ahead.

While working on my bachelor's degree years ago I took an introductory course in psychology. Of course it was a requirement to graduate but the course seemed interesting enough. The professor was actually a clinical psychologist that specialized in behavior modification for patients with schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, and severe anxiety. She dabbled a little in learning disabilities in adults as well. Ok. The one item I learned and took away from the course is that a person can learn something (making it rote) simply by "touching" it 7 times. You hear it, you see it, you read it, you write it, read it, and hear it again. This actually helped me the rest of my educational career. I created a learning and study routine that enabled me to essentially memorize the information being taught to me using this formula. Of course I forgot most of what I learned back then and honestly couldn't recite the preamble of our constitution or tell you what all ten of the Bill of Rights are now but when I needed to know it, I did.

Where is this going, you ask? Huck said something to me the other day about changing old habits and replacing them with new. I think it was you have to do the new habit 21 times in order for it to become a habit. My new habit is remembering to shut the bathroom door when I am done using it. This is Huck's request and not something I do consistently since he isn't here most days so it's been hard. I do remember to do it before I leave the house or go to bed. I don't always remember to do it while I am home. Why am I trying to change this habit of leaving the bathroom door open? My dog Sunshine is a garbage picker and my other dog Annie eats whatever is taken out of said garbage. 

Sunshine will root out the discarded cardboard tube from toilet paper. Annie eats this whole. Sunshine will sniff out and shred paper items whether it be tissue, toilet paper, or old receipts. Annie then eats the soggy wads left behind. Sunshine sucks the used cotton off Q-tips. Annie eats the sticks the cotton end used to be stuck to. Sunshine pulls out each individual cotton pad I use to remove my make up and leaves them scattered around. Annie sucks them up like marshmallows. There isn't a used fabric softener sheet, cotton ball, Q-tip, paper item of any kind, dental floss, hair pulled out of a brush, or toilet paper tube in this house that is safe from Sunshine's destruction or Annie's insatiable hoover-ish appetite. So I'm in training to close the bathroom door. This has been fun. I lapse from time to time and that's ok. I can't beat myself up every time I forget to shut the bathroom door. Adjust and move forward, right? Learning takes time. 

The answer to life, the universe and everything...

Says Ethel.

I've always been of the mind set, "If it doesn't fit, don't force it." This can apply to a multitude of things and situations. Like skinny jeans. Yeah, don't force them on if they aren't going easily over your ass. Strappy sandals. While they may be cute with your new summer dress if your pinkie toe is riding outside the confines of the straps and looking like a talon, you're doing it wrong. Tight t-shirts. If you have Ethel Rolls, just don't. If you are wondering, Ethel Roll is that roll of chub that sits over my belly button and from time to time struggles for freedom and begs for chocolate cake and wine. And bread. Oh, pasta. Yeah. Pasta.

You get the point. 

Sometimes the universe will put us in a situation (especially if we asked for it and are ready to receive it) we are forced to make decisions that will be life changing or altering. Usually a positive experience but sometimes not so positive. Sometimes these situations in life are microscopic instances or occasions that barely register on the blip-o-meter whether we decide for or against. Whether you are trying to decide if that chocolate chip cookie at midnight is a good idea or working on something more pressing like what kind of car to buy, we have to take the emotion out of the equation.

The larger decisions and circumstances that involve others in your life are the most difficult to remove the emotion. Someone is bound to be disappointed or brokenhearted at some point especially when it's a not so positive situation. Recently we, Huck and I, were faced with a situation requiring a decision on a very positive event that could have gone two ways. This is where the whole "don't force it" cliche comes to play. Let me tell you how relieved I was we were of the same mindset with this one. I knew we were very closely tuned but this situation just proved we think a lot alike in these situations. Ok, I'm not sure if I should be scared or relieved now that I think of it - about the thinking the same thing. It's just uncanny how we can come to a separate conclusions about the same situation separately (if that makes sense) and we react the same when the situation concludes. Don't get me wrong, I was a bit stressed waiting but when the answer came I knew what to do. He did as well. The 'what to do' was the same for both of us. Dust off our britches and keep on moving forward. We can't force something to happen that isn't meant to be. And we are fine with that outcome. Moving on.

No need to don your imminent peril sunglasses or keep track of your towel or feed your babelfish. Life is about everything fitting without being forced. The universe will provide us with our most heartfelt desires if it will fit. If what you think you most desire doesn't come to fruition it's probably because the universe is preparing you for something better. Bigger. More meaningful. And equal to 42.