I don't wanna!

This happens every term. I get mid way successfully then I decide, "I don't wanna anymore!" I bust my ass to make the A's then roll in to midterm thinking, screw it. So, instead of doing school work tonight, I'm here. I'm even putting off my Thursday night shows and mindlessly watching some Hallmark movie about a detective dude as an undercover nanny. Sounds like a Rock or Jackie Chan movie. The best thing is this is my last term! I am so done with school!

I had my eyes checked last weekend. I decided to give contacts a whirl again. I was wearing dailies on the weekends and it was easy. I wore them then threw them out at the end of the day. Even then it bothered my eyes though. Got tired and dry. I was only good for about 8 hours and that was stretching it. I hadn't tried toric lenses in ten years or so-you know, to correct my astigmatism. Last time I tried this type of lens I was sick to my stomach. The technology of the anchor that keeps the lens from rotating was poorly designed and would rock side to side when I blinked making me nauseous. The newest kind doesn't do that. I actually see better with my new contacts than I do with my beloved glasses. I lived most of my life with glasses on my face. It became a trademark, sort of an extension of my personality. Like my boobs.

A fabulous weekend is planned. No, not going to a tropical locale to drink frozen adult beverages or taking a drive to the blue ridge or anything like that. That sounds like a great weekend too but honestly, every weekend spent with my Huck is fabulous. I don't care where we are as long as he's holding my hand. On a serious note, I'm still amazed by how much newness remains. There isn't a day that goes by I don't fall deeper in love with this incredible man.

Love your mom!

Mom. I love my mom tremendously. She's an incredible woman, truly. The "Lady" as I affectionately call her, made a life for herself and her family from basically nothing but the knowledge of her upbringing. She had Dad for support of course, but she raised us on her own. She was born and raised in a third world country, living in a one room house with dirt floors. She finished high school but received no formal education after. Her days since her 19th year was spent raising a family and taking care of a man. I received my formal wife-mother training from the Lady.  She is an accomplished wife-mother and I followed very closely in her foot steps to that regard. Granted three times a wife but that's not the point.

The Lady is a very, very giving woman. She has provided for me and my brother and her collective brood of grandchildren over and over again. She worries about all of us all the time. Her vigil is tireless. Her efforts do not go unnoticed and her giving and loving nature are appreciated times infinity. For real!

But there is this one character trait I've noticed most of my life...the Lady has a dark streak. And this darkness- I really don't know what else to call it-is not a good thing to be the object of. In my earlier years she would nag and I would fight back, venomously. Now, I listen and let her say what she needs to say. Sometimes more than once. Ok, at least three times three different ways maybe more. Then I say, "Yup. You have a great point there, Lady." And then I politely end the call. Or walk away. Actually, my Huck taught me the art of just letting her have her say and letting it go. I do fear though that one day I will sound just like her. My son told me once I sounded just like his "Bà ngoại" (the Vietnamese word for "Nana.") I shivered and said "Oh God NO!" Boy did I reign it in in a hurry!

The Lady can pepper anyone with a barrage of demeaning darkness that would leave even a four star general in tears. Her tactic is extreme. It's downright mean. She begins the conversation with pleasantries then BAM! You're hit over the head with her worries for you and how you should handle your problems and all the things you are doing wrong and why you haven't been able to get better things in life and why your dreams and hopes are worthless thoughts and the choices you make in life are mistakes and on and on and on...There isn't a conversation with the Lady that doesn't end with the feeling of being a worthless lump.

This is why I have a three day limit when visiting her. I leave in worse psychological shape then when I arrived. There is no relaxing, no letting my hair down, no rest. I'm on guard the entire time waiting for the judgement. My hair is too long, too dark. I'm too fat. I'm not a good mother. I'm not getting enough exercise. Ok, she's right on that one. I spend too much money on unnecessary things. I should have no pets because I can't take care of myself. I live in a bad neighborhood, I need to move. There is very little, if any, complimentary conversation or supportive dialogue. I'm flooding now because I just had one of these very unhappy conversations with her tonight that has been only the source of her on going disappointment of my life. Well, actually this conversation has been the same topic for months and we've spoken every day and it's always the same thing....I've made too many bad choices in my life recently and is why life has dealt me the cards in my hand. Of course, this is her opinion not mine. I think my choices lately have been brilliant and the best for me. I'm carrying at least a straight flush now. Two years ago it was just a pair...




The best lines from Big Bang Theory this week...the girls went to Vegas for the weekend:

Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler: They have a group of Australian male strippers!
Bernadette: We want to go see if they can twirl their junk in the opposite direction!

Mercury in retrograde and the full moon...

I'm here again. It's late so I won't say too much but am feeling compelled to lay out some thoughts again. I am not an astrology nut nor do I feel my entire life is ruled by the planets but occasionally the monthly readings seem so spot on to me and my life circumstances. Mercury, my ruling planet, has gone to retrograde and tonight's lunar eclipse was supposed to bring some news that will initially freak me out then later be recognized as a blessing. When your ruling planet goes retrograde it seems that all you've done starts to unravel. Anything you do during a retrograde doesn't stick. It's as if the Universe decides...hmmm...I think I'll fuck with her fate line for a few weeks and make her think she's a nut job. Well, we are all a little nutty. Some of us just hide it better than others.

I realize that astrology charts are general and geared to a large audience. I also realize that sometimes the charts are off and even specific days marked as "watch for it" doesn't mean the prediction isn't going to happen on that marked day. The predictions are not engraved in stone and so specific that you will be fully aware of when an event is to take place. The generalized prediction of events can take place at any time. And it's for entertainment purposes only.

Oh shit, I am rambling on like a crazy person.

I have been experiencing a great deal of anxiety the past few days. I thought my son was squared away and settled for a few months until he springs some rather unexpected news on me last week. He has a girlfriend. That wasn't the news that made me have an anxiety attack and it's not that I never expected it but I didn't expect it to happen under these circumstances. He's not yet found his place and it concerns me. How can he make a relationship work if he has no idea where he's headed? He's doing exceptionally well though granted he's not found his place. He's handling the pressures of (sorta) being on his own. Making his own choices. He's understanding there are consequences of his decisions and actions. He's growing up. Now he just needs to get an effing job!

Chicks are chicks. We think and do things that men feel are considered "typical" of chicks. We are emotional creatures and spend a great deal of time analyzing information, responses, actions...our brains are akin to 3, 478 Google tabs open at the same time. Our brains are wired to make connections to every thing and anything all at once and all over the place. For instance, I know my Huck loves me. With out a doubt he loves me. He even tells me in the most endearing and wonderful ways. It's not always a direct statement of "I love you." Sometimes its shown with a made bed or dishes loaded in the dish washer. Sometimes the message is embedded in the lyrics of a song. Sometimes its a reminder of shared moments brought to the front of my mind like an advertisement torn from a magazine. His message is always heard no matter how it's told. But, from time to time due to being a damn typical chick, I hear the message but read too much into it and spin it to be something else entirely. I have these moments and am not ashamed to admit when I am having one of these dimwitted typical chick moments. Just know, I hear the true message loud and clear and it makes me swell with warmth and love. My goodness, I love my Huck!

Chocolate, wine, and knights in shining armor...

There are those days when all I want is to get in to my grubby house dress, wrap myself up in my favorite squishy blanket, and gorge on endless hours of recorded TV shows. Yeah, I am feeling it tonight. Sorta. I am also in the mood to put thought to paper so to speak and is why I am here. These type of days I also like to indulge in an unhealthy amount of chocolate. Which I did. We'll call it dinner. Of course, now I feel sick. 

It wasn't a bad day. Not at all. The one thing that sticks out mostly is a conversation with a friend. The details are not for me to divulge but really brought on psychological flooding from my not so distant past. Needless to say I am fully understanding of the heartbreak my friend is experiencing now. It's going to be a long journey but eventually my friend will need to make a choice that is either incredibly painful or just one of acceptance. And there will be no judgement from me either way. 

This flooding also made me realize, again, how incredibly lucky I am now. Aside from all the difficulties I've had with my son, going through divorce, and adjusting to being physically alone for the first time, I am truly lucky. The challenges I've faced recently are not as seemingly terrible and have actually fixed themselves over time. Somewhat. I still face these challenges but they don't seem as consuming as before. Time heals. 

And having a champion makes it all easier to face.

My champion is handsome. He's dashing. His smile gives me butterflies. With all the troubles I have  in this world, great and small, they all seem diminished with the wink of his eye. His playful nature makes me giggle and there is nothing more comforting than his warm and gentle kiss. He is good to me. Very good to me. And he is good for me. There has never been a man in my life like him and I know for certain I have never loved a man the way I love him. Yes, I'm a damsel in distress most days and he's my knight in shining armor...or Hercules. 

The therapy is...

Some days I want to hide under the covers. Other days I'm in combat stance ready to strike. The days in between are a joining of both extremes because I have discovered ways to self soothe. Today was a day I needed to reach into my bag of tricks. My day started out relatively smooth and only required two hits on the snooze rather than three. I was having a good hair day. I actually managed to spend some time on my appearance. I chose an outfit that was complimented. I wasn't late for work. I was feeling magnificent, well, because I am. It was a cheerful day until...

I know I have a foul mouth. I've never attempted to lead anyone I work with to believe I am a quiet little church mouse. That thing most people have in their brain that tells them not to say something offensive? I think its called a censor. Yeah, I don't have one of those. I've worked with this group for three years and no one has told me I am too vulgar. Honestly, I'm quite mild compared to some people I hang with but let me tell you how mortified I am to be told to watch my mouth...by my manager. When I was told someone complained via email that I used a bad word and offended someone's ear I was stupefied. I was so mortified it led me to apologize to everyone around me. I honestly didn't, and still don't, recall any conversation I had with anyone that resulted in me using profanity. And c'mon...who hasn't peppered their conversation with colorful metaphors? On a serious note though, I thought I was a 43 year old woman. Why on earth is a grown ass adult complaining to a manager instead of telling me to watch my mouth? The office I work in is Kindergarten on steroids. Ummmmm, I'mmmmm telllllinggggg! WTF?

You there, you big titty baby (I love that one) that can't speak up for yourself like an adult, bite me!

Now what was in my bag of tricks? My bag of tricks contained a bottle of wine, ricotta cheese, sauce, veggies, Italian sausage, and lasagna. Today my method of self soothing was an orchestra of single ingredients that once put together made the most delicious lasagna I ever made. Buttloads of the most delicious lasagna I ever made. Oh my effing goodness I had so much stuff to assemble this lasagna that I made one large dish (which I baked tonight) and two smaller dishes to freeze. Cooking is valuable therapy. It helps me calm down and move past whatever transgressions I experience. After what happened today I needed to cook.

I know it doesn't seem like getting in trouble at work for using a bad word is a big deal to some of you. Y'all need to realize that I'm not the type to purposely offend anyone for any reason. I always try to consider the folks I work with and spend time with. I know I can't make everyone happy - obviously there is one person out there that is gunning for me for some unknown reason, but I am considerate to say the least. To everyone. Even the assholes I know who detest me for my sunny disposition and kindness. I like to think that keeping my side of the fence clean means something to even the jerks that dislike me. Mainly that I have integrity. I need to suck it up and move past this now. Maybe I needed to up the therapy and throw in some baking.

One thing I learned today, haters gonna hate no matter how good a person I am.

The final count down...and extreme comfort.

One last term to go and I am done with school for a while. Thank goodness it's just a certificate program. I don't have it in me to do much more than that now especially with the holidays approaching. I have plans to pick up my studies again in the future to earn a doctoral degree but I am not sure which discipline to choose. So, I'll take some time off. Do some research. Put some feelers out. Or not. I like to gamble about some things and I'm usually pretty lucky. Where the hec did that come from? I have no idea why I started with this topic. Nothing like a little random firing of the brain synapses.

There was a "As Seen on TV" product that was all the rage about 5 years ago. Ladies, you may have heard of this stylish product. Yes! I'm talking about pajama jeans! When I heard about these jeans I wanted to get my hands on a pair. I found out they were sold at Walgreens and proceeded to search each store in a 10 mile radius. Finally found a pair after I opened up the search grid to 20 miles. I know, its a bit obsessive. I was ecstatic to find a pair in badonkadonk size and made my purchase. Couldn't wait to try on my new comfy jeans I could live in and sleep in. I got home and said hasty hello's and ran up stairs to put these jeans on. And they were gloriously comfy! No binding or pinching. No digging or bunching. And they were just long enough in the stride there was no worry of camel toe and not so long I had to pull the waist band up to my boobs. The pant legs were a perfect length too. So after a couple wears I had to wash them. Would you believe these fantastic comfy pajama jeans shrank? The piece of crap pants kept their shape in all areas but leg length. They became high waters of the Urkel kind. Which sucked. I tossed them.

I was doing a mild bit of retail therapy last night and went to my usual "mall." I toured Home Goods, Marshall's, Old Navy, Bath and Body Works, then TJ Maxx. I was pretty defeated by the time I got to TJ's. I found nothing I couldn't live without. I did pick up some items at Bath and Body but it was stuff that I normally buy so no feel good rush of something new. Well, I walked through the purse section of TJ's first. Found a great bag but I wasn't spending $199 on  a dang bag. Shoe selection was disappointing. I didn't see anything in the home section I wanted. I decided to peek at the clothing department before heading out. Nope. No blouses. No sweaters. No t-shirts. No jeans...wait. What is this? Holy crap! Designer pajama jeans! Yeah, I bought 'em. I'm not wearing them now of course. They are definitely more jean than pajama but bet they are effing comfortable. Darn things better not shrink!

There's alone and there's alone...

Sometimes its a feeling and sometimes its physical. In my current physical state I live alone. Well, without another person. I live with two big lovable puppy dogs. But no, no other humans. Until three months ago I always lived with someone. Parent, son, brother, husband/s...yeah there's been more than one of those. I'm adjusting to being alone. I don't always like it of course but I'm adjusting.  In the beginning I was freaked out by every noise. I thought maybe someone was trying to get in. Then I realized the dogs would alert me to an unannounced visitor. No, not by barking. They'd likely get all frisky and excited we had company and , oh, look! It's a new person! Some nights I'd have trouble falling asleep because the noises were eerie. I began to wonder if I had ghosts. I again realized the girls would alert me to that too. In my opinion, I think dogs sense other worldly beings.  The girls would greet the entity with the same friendly enthusiasm as an "in the flesh" human being.

Then there are days when I like to wallow in being alone. It's not every day or most days but one day, a half a day, or even a few hours of a day...once in a while I like to be alone. This gives me the opportunity to be a slob and act like a caveman and not ponder on the fact someone may witness this unfeminine activity. I got that alone time when I lived with a person. I get a lot more of that now that I am alone. Still doesn't mean I have to like it or accept it.

There is also the feeling of alone. Feeling alone is something wholly different. Feeling alone is what I struggle with. That feeling of alone brings loneliness. Sure the dogs provide joy and some company but it's not the same as human interaction and presence. At first I was very extremely lonely not having another human being in my home. I'd pace and wander around looking for that missing something. I had no idea what I was looking for, I was just searching. I experience those moments less and less...but I still get lonely. And I still wander around my empty house on occasion looking in to empty rooms and empty spaces. It's akin to the empty fridge syndrome. You know, you open the door to see what's to eat and don't see anything you like. You close the door and walk away. A few minutes later what do you do? You go back to the fridge and look inside. Nope. Nothing new has materialized. Yeah, that's me in my empty space.

 Occasionally I am blessed (graced ha ha ) with company. I enjoy each nanosecond of that time and when it ends I'm desperate for more. This is when I feel alone the most and it really sucks. Yup, sucks balls. This is really the only time I feel lonely lately. I get this sampling of company and it's marvelous. When it's time to get back to our respective lives the loneliness kicks in and is felt in stages. I spend the first day or two trying to ignore feeling alone with no success. After unsuccessfully ignoring it I realize I can't fight it anymore and just let it come over me. Another day or two go by and I realize, woohoo! It's almost time for a visit and I get all girly giddy. Of course while I work through these stages I miss him the whole time...miss him crazy, mad.