Crazy brains increases pulse rates...

The challenges of life are testing me lately. Nothing bad of course. I have nothing to complain about. I have a nice home, drive a nice car, I make enough money to pay my bills and support my Bath & Body Works habit. Lately, it seems, my positive attitude and outlook is being pushed to the limit. I'm emotional and needy. On the verge of tears one minute and wanting to tear someone's head off the next. Somewhere in between I'm my normal jovial self. I had the woman talk with the lady the other day. I'm at the age she was when she neared the end of "the change." Is this what this is all about?  Freaking hormones?! Please tell me it gets better! I just rolled my eyes at myself... OMG! Stop whining!

I've always been of the mindset I don't need a man in my life. I am perfectly capable of doing it on my own. I've lived it. I know it. Yeah, Huck I know this sounds familiar. This is one of those eerie topics I never confirmed because it's eerie. I don't need a man. Been my relationship mantra since I was 24. But here's the thing. I want, yes WANT, a man in my life. Not just any man. A man that can handle me at my worst. A man that deserves me at my best. A man that gets me. If its "the change" I'm dealing with now..shoot...this will be my worse if I can't get a handle on it. Of course, I know the most wonderful man in the world can handle me. It's obvious why. He gets me! Proved that today...

Knowing the most incredible-amazing-fantastic man loves me is like taking a dose of anti-anxiety meds. He is my Xanax. Not a day, hour, minute, or second goes by that I don't want to bring to life my dreamiest fantasies of happily ever after. I find myself rearranging things in my life mentally to prepare for eventualities. I have ideas. Wonderful ideas. I've finally met the love of my life and I'm in a hurry to live our forever together. The more time I spend with Huck, the more time I want to spend with Huck. Well hello, crazy brains! I sound like a raving lunatic again. I swear, it's just thoughts, dreams, and fantasies right now.

You there, stop checking your pulse! LOL!

As always,
M

Understanding me...an excerpt.

Every new relationship comes with baggage and its a natural thing for us to be curious about our other half's relationships before becoming an item. Its also perfectly normal to be skeptical and wonder if your girl or beau is "over" the one from before. I find that to be especially true of people who jump from one relationship to the next with out any down time. Hoppers never get a chance to breath and learn about themselves and redefine their desires and needs. They overlap past feelings with new feelings and can't tell you if they are coming or going. Sometimes its perfectly normal for a hopper to begin a new relationship while still in one. 

Leaving a relationship or being left is never easy. Especially when you are crazy about the person. If you don't have any residual feeling for someone you've married, lived with, or spent a good amount of time with then you are an alien. I've always believed the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. It's called a rebound kids. Rebounds are designed to be short and sweet. Its not meant to be your next relationship, just a dalliance. I will admit...chicks are especially fond of hopping. Its not something I'm proud of, this hopping, but have done it in the past. I think it has to do with the double standard idea. It's ok for men to be casually involved with a string of women but when a woman does it she's a slut. That's why we end up in relationships with men that are far less than perfect for us.

Ok, the catalyst for this topic tonight was brought on by conversation with my Huckleberry. We are now past the "dating" phase and are nestling very nicely in the relationship phase. How I know we've reached this point (aside from Huck mentioning we are) is the fact I want to share every bit of my life with him. And he wants to share everything about his life with me. I want him to know what I do to pass time when we are apart. I want him to know about my niece cutting all of her thick gorgeous hair off and donating it to charity. I want him to know I'm not on medication. I want him to know I'm saving money by switching cell carriers. I want him to know that I'm not big on going to the doctor unless I'm dying....or for routine check ups. I want him to know that every decision I now make I always take him in to consideration. This includes lunch dates with Lulu!

I'm off topic. Ok, so I was talking about how I loved working in retail and it brings him back in time to a past relationship and how he was pretty crazy about her. In curiosity, and only to learn more about him, I asked why he isn't still with her. I meant no malice or felt any jealousy. I wasn't trying to trip him up. The reason why doesn't really matter to me because there isn't a shred of doubt that Huckleberry loves me. He loves ME. I know this with all of my heart and all of my soul. I was just curious. What did I learn from that question? Well, I was more reminded...that old habits die hard. It's not on me this time though! Huckleberry is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't blame him. After years of conditioning he's accustomed to the predictable response associated with "jealous" that he wasn't sure how to answer. I still firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Our past relationships were lessons so we, Huck and I, could be ultimately prepared for each other when we finally met and fell in love. Timing...timing is everything. 

And it's now OUR time until forever.

As always,

M

Babelfish...and the meaning of life.

There are so many accents of the English language. We have southern, northern, eastern, mid-western.  If you break it down to cities you find even more complex accents. The southy is my favorite. Well, only because all I hear is Ted. I also like the MinniSOta accent. Southern twang is part of my repertoire frequently. Not ozark but more like Alabama or Georgia. So you have the American variations of the English language but then you have the foreign representations of the English language. Latin, Asian, British, middle-eastern, islander, and so many others. I have a knack for understanding accents. It's probably because my mother still speaks with one, my father spoke with one. I have a natural babelfish built in.

What is a babelfish you ask? A babelfish is a yellow leech like fish that is placed in your ear to help you understand any language, local or foreign. Of course it isn't real! It was a concept introduced in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to help Arthur Dent understand the many alien languages he'd encounter while hitchhiking through the galaxy with Ford Prefect. Oh, by the way...the meaning of life, the universe, and everything is 42. And always know where your towel is.

My babelfish works very well for most every accent I've encountered save one, the light lilting musical Indian accent. Though the accent is beautiful I have the hardest time understanding a person with a thick Indian accent. For example, one of my instructors this term is from a province of northern Bangladesh. While trying to listen to seminar tonight I found myself straining to hear just to catch the meaning of the words I heard. It's bad enough I'm hard of hearing. Throw an Indian accent on top of it and I'm so lost. Volume is on max and I'm only catching every third or fourth word. This is where my babelfish fails me. Every time.

Holy crap it tastes like...

My morning routine is mundane. It entails all the wonderful trappings of typical girl frenzy when she decides hitting the snooze button a third time is a great idea. I decided to spend the extra thirty minutes sleeping this morning instead of on my appearance. Like most mornings, this morning I readied myself for work in typical hurried fashion while listening to my Sunshine (aka Fluffy Butt, Shuh-poo-poo, and No No) talk to me with barks, howls, and growls. Annie (aka Annie Pants, Stinky Wad, and Dammit Stop Scratching) stands idly by watching me and pestering Sunshine with nose nudges, batting paws, and playful grunts. I race through the bathroom-shower-hair-makeup-clothes ritual with breakneck speed chatting to the girls all the while. I don't think they understand my reassuring coos of "almost ready" but I still try everyday.

Let me explain to you how brilliant my dogs are. As soon as they hear me unplug my hot iron and see me emerge from the bathroom they get nuts! They know what's coming. FOOD! They run down the stairs fur flying and round the corner each running into the wall. On this wall I have a Bath & Body Works plug-in. Some kind of tropical floral scent. Most mornings during this part of our routine one of the girls knocks the plug-in out of the socket. No big deal. It flies across the floor, I pick it up, and plug it back in. Today was a bit different. Today the glass scent bulb broke when it hit the floor. Shattered glass and scented oil sprayed all over the passage way to the kitchen. Nice.

I panicked for a second. I was not prepared for a trip to the vet with cut paws nor did I want to cut my own feet. Thankfully my dog walking shoes are by the stairs. I chased the girls back to the dining room where I fed them. Dumped their morning portion of kibble into their bowls and started my coffee maker. By the way...this past coffee selection I made pales in comparison to the selection made for me before by my Huckleberry (hint-hint). I'm telling you. This handsome hunk of man doesn't drink coffee and picked the best grounds ever. It's a talent designed to spoil me is what it is. Anywho, I grabbed some paper towels and the broom then proceeded to clean up. I picked the broken plug-in up and set it on the kitchen counter. In just a minute or two everything is swept up, cleaned up, and disposed of. I take the dogs out for their morning constitutional and the rest of the morning goes according to plan. 

After a hellish day of calls and incomprehensible chats at work I come home to repeat the second half of my morning routine. Feed the dogs and take them on their evening constitutional. Treats and fresh water and everyone is happy. I fix myself some pasta with pesto and romano cheese and begin the evening wind down. I noticed I left the broken plug-in on the counter and finally throw it out while I was cooking. Dinner is done and now I'm thirsty. I bring my sippy cup down with me and set the lid on the counter. Cut some fresh lemon and fix a cup of iced water. Back up the stairs and in front of the TV now to sit and relax then take a swig of my water. 

OMFG!!! WHAT THE EFF IS THAT TASTE?!!! WHY DO I SMELL TROPICAL FLOWERS???

I'm just guessing here but I think there was a little of the scented oil left on the counter from the broken dagum plug-in and I set the lid in it. Blech! Ugh! Yuck! It was the most horrible tasting thing to ever touch my tongue. EVER! Even worse than liver. I immediately stood up and not sure of what to do I hold my mouth open and kind of spun around in a circle wagging my tongue trying to figure out what to do. I finally sped off to the bathroom and began wiping my tongue off on my bath towel. Nope. Not gone. I start rinsing my mouth out with fresh water. OMG it made the taste expand! Shit-shit-shit! Ok...gargle with Listerine. Finally! The taste dissipated and I was able to close my mouth and not taste the horrid tropical air freshener anymore. And this is how I began my evening. 

As always,

M

Moon is full!

Not that it matters. There isn't any empirical data that supports lunacy, craziness, or moods. We aren't effected by tides. Astrologers like to talk about moon cycles to help predict the best time to fall in love or worse time to sign contracts. Some scientists feel that our lunar cycles effect our sleep patterns. It takes us longer to fall asleep during a full moon including a few days before and after. We also supposedly wake up earlier than normal-about 20 minutes less. Deep sleep is hard to come by which also reduces melatonin levels thus making us feel more tired and depressed through the day.

Ok, so I think it's all bullshit. It doesn't have anything to do with the full moon. My take is it has everything to do with sleeping habits. Here's some background...until recently I slept alone every night. The couple years before I left my marriage I slept alone. Separate rooms - separate lives. Save a couple big bed hoggin' dogs once in a while I had my lovely king bed all to myself all night long. I was never one for snuggle sleeping. I don't care to be touched while I sleep. It makes me mad. I push away.

To me, sleeping with another person is as intimate as sex. You become vulnerable to the person you share your bed. A very different side of you is revealed during these nocturnal moments. Noises, movements, habits...please...I cannot be held responsible for the sounds that come out of me when I sleep. Seriously. I have woken myself up snoring, talking, grunting, and tooting. I can't control it. It just happens. It's mortifying to know that someone else may hear all that racket...someone that I love more than anything...poor Huckleberry.

So along with everything else that involves Huckleberry, I'm not the same woman with regard to old sleeping habits. I can't fall sleep unless I am touching him. When physical contact is broken I soon wake up and "look" for him. When he reaches for me in the night I draw him in. Poor guy probably doesn't sleep much when he's with me but he's just too kind to tell me. Everything is now opposite though. Even the side of the bed I sleep on. All I want is to be wrapped up with him like a pretzel. The nights in between our nights together, crap, I'm just uncomfortable. I can't fall asleep. I avoid going to bed because it's empty. Like right now. The night after a night together is the worst. It's excruciating. Ok, I'll stop whining...

As always,

M

Opposites attract...but can it last?

Huckleberry wants to contribute his thoughts on opposites. In his opinion the whole idea that opposites attract does not produce a sustainable relationship. Sure it may be the reason you are attracted initially but how do you keep a relationship alive when you have nothing in common? Opposites are less about attitudes and personality and social standing and  more about works of fiction...a prince and a chamber maid, a millionaire and a hooker, a biker and an heiress. The list can go on! A relationship of opposites is hard, hard work. You have to work double time to find common interests or you would never have anything to grow and cultivate together in the future. I know this first hand. 

Conversation with Huck today got my wheels turning and spurred my research. Research is what I like to do and revel in it. Opposites do not attract according to many different studies of couples. Men and women wish to find someone that share common interests with common and attitudes. The researchers say that opposite pairings rarely develop into long lasting meaningful relationships and typically end prematurely. The studies show we want someone that has similar ideas. Someone with a similar back ground and upbringing. Similar ideals. More is written about couples that have similar personality traits. Extroverts tend to blend very well. Neurotics do too - though scary. Even couples that share conscientiousness or anxiety are normally happier and more satisfied in "coupledom." 

One study conducted talked about the only time a woman seeks her opposite has to do with her sniffer. I have a very good sniffer. I can detect subtle smells and changes in smells that many cannot. Sometimes I think I'm losing it because I smell something no one else does...like it's a phantom smell.  Quite honestly I think it's the consolation prize to being hard of hearing. Ok, so this opposite thing regarding smells....women are attracted to men that smell different from their own gene pool. We are attracted to a man that have "major histocompatibility complex" genes. These genes affect our immune system and women that find a man with a gene smell opposite theirs mean the pairing will result in a happier marriage, strong sexual attraction, and healthier children. Oh dear, God! The babies again. Huck, I swear you spiked my coffee with something! I do have to admit though, I love how my handsome man smells. It's not just his cologne, it's him. I feel comfort, attraction, need, desire, and love each time we embrace and I draw in his smell. 

The studies also say we want to pair up with someone that holds the same views we do. For example it means a great deal to me that Huck is close to his family. It would be disappointing if he weren't. Oh and he loves kids. His voice changes and his eyes twinkle...it's a very sweet transformation. These moments I see his weakness. Then in the blink of an eye he goes back to being my bad ass mofo beau hunk that I love just as much. 

It's a good thing to have some differences, too. We can't like all the same things or even dislike all the same things. But having similar interests, attitudes, and personalities do not make a boring relationship contrary to the 'opposites' camp. There will always be a story to tell and new knowledge to share. No time to be boring. We have interests outside of our relationship of course. I like artsy stuff and Star Trek. He likes to golf and watch sports. We both love reading. The point is there are so few opposites about Huck and I that what's next looks fantastic! And easy!

As always,

M

So I'm in the mood to write. Just to write. I read an article today about modern dating. Yeah, I agree that things have changed. When I was twenty years younger it wasn't as easy to approach people. We had to actually walk up to a complete handsome stranger and speak to them. Or you could sit and wait for him to approach you. Ugh! The anxiety of impending rejection made me nauseous and want to flee from the scene to stick my head in the sand until the uneasiness passed.

Now we use text, email, Facebook, or whatever method of modern communication to say what we need to say. Phone calls are left for business or checking in with Mom. For example, conversations with my son are primarily by text. It's quick and simple and it's what all the kids his age are doing. Yeah we occasionally spend time together but our daily activities rarely put us at home at the same time at a reasonable hour. So we text to communicate what we need. I personally am not opposed to texting. Its about being available to your loved ones any time of the day or night and not having to pause your show or put down your book but for only a few seconds to respond. Is it too cold and inhuman? Not to me. I find text to be a vehicle for later appropriate conversation when in the company of your love. I do not text anything I can't say in person.  

The whole idea of communication leads me to thoughts of relationships. All relationships require work - or maintenance. What you put in to a relationship is what you get out. It's where my need for matched effort takes root. A real, true relationship isn't going to be about games. Games like purposely waiting an inordinate amount of time to respond to a text, acting aloof, or just not being honest about what you want. After reading the article I was appalled. It was so true on so many levels and I began to thank my lucky stars that none of it applied to me...well except the texting part - no games, just that I'm a texting addict.  LOL! But that is me and its perpetuated by a very darling Huckleberry because he adores me :)

So back to this matched effort and maintenance thing. Some relationships seem very hard to maintain. You see these couples all the time. They are strained and no one is smiling. There are scowls and frowns and someone always looks mad.  She's nagging and he's looking for a way to escape the verbal onslaught. Attitudes need serious adjusting. Makes you wonder how their other half deals with them every night.

Now I'm going to gloat.

With Huckleberry, I've yet to find the work in our relationship. It's like we ironed out all the wrinkles in another lifetime. Yeah we are still learning about each other but no one is screaming, "Run Forrest! Run!" There are so many similarities between us and so few differences you'd think we were separated at birth. That thought kinda creeps us out however unlikely but always forces us to continue to ponder the thought we've done this before. It's so easy being with Huckleberry, so innate and this is why I don't feel like I'm "working." I do things born of joy and a true need to bring happiness to him. If I can make him smile then my day is complete. And it isn't work. At least it doesn't feel that way to me. This, whatever this is, is what I'm here to experience and have. Every choice I've made in my life has brought me here. There is nothing in my life I would go back and undo because the consequence is not something I'm willing to consider.

Huckleberry loves me and this makes me the luckiest girl in the universe!

As always,
M

Here's the article: http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-hudspeth/2014/04/18-ugly-truths-about-modern-dating-that-you-have-to-deal-with/#UojZPWTum2YAU7K8.01

Well, what DO you call it?

Every moment I spend with my Huckleberry I learn something new that friggin' parallels our universe. Either here and now or from our childhood. Its just amazing how alike our lives were before "us." The similarities come up more and more often and there are so many of them I can't keep track anymore! Seriously...we were talking today and something came up that prompted a conversation about us "doing this before" somewhere along the line. This brings me to what all of this is called. Or what others call it. People talk about meeting their soul mates, kindred spirits, or soul twins...whatever you call it...

It's unmistakable is what it is.

Edgar Cayce and his son Hugh believe our soul mate is a reincarnation of someone we were bonded to in a past life. Their theory always involves lovers of some form. Each life we return to find this person as a means to achieve enlightenment and love in it's purest form. We had this bond previously and developed spiritually together and now find each other in this life because there is an innate mutual dependency and need. Ok, I buy it.

Carl Jung's theory is a little different. He talks about a collective unconsciousness that brings episodes of deja vu, love at first sight, and soul mate reunions. He thinks we inherit memories and psychic abilities from the experiences we have from past lives. These memories are born with us and when we meet our other person these memories come out in snippets. Is that what's going on? Are we remembering things from our past lives and projecting them to life with the one we are connected to now? I can see how this theory may work too.

My favorite theory is of divided souls. In the Symposium by Plato, there is abstract discussion about love and it's life implications. The philosopher, Aristophanes, describes the omnipotent powers of love and it's Godly origins. Zeus attempts to humble mankind by cutting us in half (this means our souls too, gang) to make us weaker. This cutting creates a wild hunger to unite with our missing half which explains human desire to find a soul mate. The motivation of love explains this physical and emotional need to be whole again, to find our other half. This is a very romantic explanation of why I'm so drawn to my Huckleberry.

How many people do you know which you can share so many similar or exact experiences that you shake your head and think, "what the fuck?" On the same parallel we ate fish stew as kids (this isn't what hit us today but it's still a good example). Huckleberry's was made of catfish and mine was made of fish heads. Both are served over rice. Though he hates his and I like mine, this can't be normal! Can it? The idea of fish stew is so far out there...it's not a normal dish parents will make for their off spring. Is it?

I've always felt the notion of a soul mate was just love sick talk. Its the same I feel about love at first sight. I'm not a love skeptic, never have been, but I never bought the idea we each have one true half that completes us. Probably because I never felt it. Well, until now. Oh how my mind, and heart, have changed. I need him because I love him. I can't imagine this life or future lives with out him. He's my heart. Truly.

As always,
M